Tomorrow is the season opener, which is a day that means more than Christmas for most of you visiting this site, myself included. If you didn’t know that the season opener is tomorrow, click here and never show your ass ugly face at Hawkize again.

In the midst of thinking about how much ass we are going to kick tomorrow and how many beers Andyram and I can plow before heading in to Kinnick, I came up with five meaningful questions about the game. I can tell you one thing that is not a question, and that is who is going to win. But like all new things, there are some important questions that need to be answered. In this post, I’ve done just that.

Is this really a game, or is it one huge party?
The powers that be are trying their best to curb the drunkenness by starting the game at 11:00 AM, but Hawkeye fans are resilient when it comes to tailgating and will get wasted as early as necessary. The term “game” is used loosely in this case because the word implies competition, which Ball State certainly isn’t. Tomorrow is mainly about celebrating how awesome we are and watching an ass beating in the process.

Who will score more touchdowns: Clinton Solomon or Ball State?
There isn’t much doubt that Clinton Soloman is the answer to this question. You could pretty much substitute any offensive skill position player’s name in for Soloman and you would be right. It is very possible that Chad Greenway could even outscore Ball State. I don’t see any way that Ball State is going to break through the fortress otherwise known as the Iowa Hawkeye defense, not even for a field goal. The second team D features a demolition squad at safety in Charles Godfrey and Devan Moylan, so things don’t get any better for Ball State after we mop things up.

Could a randomly selected group of students from the student section beat Ball State?
If over half of the selection is coherent and standing, then yes. I made this argument against Buffalo two years ago, and I think Ball State is in the same category of worthlessness. Never underestimate the capabilities of a pack of drunken Hawkeyes, especially after keeping them caged up since the Capital One Bowl.

Will Ball State quarterback Joey Lynch live to see Sunday morning?
The Cardinals look like Cyclones, and they’re going to pay big time for it. They should really think about changing their school colors from the hated and repulsive cardinal red to avoid any additional pain and suffering.

Abdul Hodge is definitely going to introduce himself to Joey Lynch, and I guarantee that the introduction won’t be a handshake. Luckily for Lynch, UIHC is right across the street. Chances are good that UIHC is going to be his home for the next several weeks, if he ever recovers.

Can Andyram avoid going to jail?
A recent string of arrests have all been building up to this moment. Is it actually possible for Andyram to come to Iowa City and keep himself out of jail?

Probability is in his favor, but not by much. A comparison of Andyram’s total trips vs. total arrests gives him approximately a 25% chance of going to jail. However, a comparison of his total days spent in jail vs. not in jail is only around 50%. The added excitement of the start of a new, promising season almost certainly multiplies the probability, so I’ll give him a 50/50 chance.

Hank the Tank, a guest contributor to Hawkize and long time friend of Andyram, proposed chains and a cage, similar to what you see here:

After a few beers, this is probably the only way to keep him out of custody. He’s way too hardcore, which is why he produces content for this site.