Ever wake up one morning after a heavy night of drinking wondering where the hell you are? That happened to me last weekend, but I didn’t wake up in some bitch’s bed like most of you. I woke up in Vegas. This post is my best recollection of my weekend in Sin City.

The Night Before
It’s Thursday Sept 22nd. I find myself turning around from the bar and putting another glass of Gin ‘n’ Tonic up to my mouth. I take a look around, wasted off my ass, and I whisper to closest girl to me, “Baby, I’m going to Vegas…”

Another half hour or so passes, and it’s closing time. The next brief thing I remember is myself turning to face Hank the Tank on the ride home and saying, “Hank, I’ll give you an all expense paid trip to Las Vegas for a pack of smokes.” He gladly accepts my generous offer.

Next thing I know, I’m in the Super 8 Motel across the street the the Des Moines Airport being woken up by one of their fine wake up calls at 11am. I look on the desk and see an $896 bill for some airline tickets and a $48 bill for the lame hotel. Next to that I pick up some tickets for Des Moines to Las Vegas leaving at 1:15 p.m. with our names on the boarding passes. I’m just like “what the fuck happened last night?” We never quite figured that out, so we said fuck it, hit the airport, and flew to Las Vegas.

The Plane Ride
We board the plane and it is defiantly one of the more rowdy plane rides I’ve ever been on. Everybody is stoked about going to Vegas and is ready to party. I’d say probably 90% of the plane is drinking, and not just drinking to have a drink. These people were drinking to get fucked up. There are 3 guys sitting next to us and it was supposed to be a bachelor party, except that the bitch left him a week earlier. So they take advantage of the trip since they already paid to party. The fellow who lost his lady, Mike Lowry, was the only one drinking Bacardi Rum and he cleaned the whole plane out of it by himself . What a hard ass.

Initial Gameplan
We decide to find a different hotel every night instead of staying in just one hotel, and we won’t settle for anything off of The Strip. If you are unfamiliar with the Las Vegas strip, look it up. We also decide we are gonna fuck some hookers, without any question. On our first walk down the strip ,we decide on the Monte Carlo for our first night after being handed multiple flyers for “strippers to your room”. Or to state the obvious, Hookers.

The First Night
Being the hardasses that we are, we came to Vegas with nothing but the clothes on our back, cell phones in our pockets, and my good trusty wallet, credit cards in hand. Oh, and fake ID’s. We are only nineteen, and we gotta be 21 in Vegas. So we need to go buy those little things like deodorant, boxers and hopefully a change a clothes… Hey Cabby!

After dropping a few hundred at the mall and the liquor store for some Coronas, we are up in our room on the 50th floor or so pounding some Coronas. We decide to call up some Hookers. Only one arrives and wasn’t so attractive, so tell her to get the fuck out. We decide it’s time to party and go down to the Casino. I lose Hank after a trip or two the bar, and I find myself in a dance club inside the Hotel and hook up with this girl from California who’s 25. We share a few drinks and stories and decide to go up to my room.

We walk in and Hank is pounding some chic up against the window for a view of the strip. The girl with me gives me this funny look, and we roll into my bed. We start fooling around, and the next thing I know I hear the shower on and Hank and his bitch are in the shower. As soon as that happens the, girl with me his riding me like I’m Seabiscuit and all the while is trying to have the best sex of her life and I’m just trying to get my nut off. It felt like a decade to me, but I’m sure was only 15 minutes. She gathers her clothes and kisses me on the cheek and thanks me.

Saturday Morning
My phone is ringing like crazy at 9am(11am in Columbus). It’s Hawkeye time. I’m barely dressed and hit a few channels for the Hawkeyes, but there are no Hawkeyes to be found. Luckily though, I remembered that the Monte Carlo has a sports game and book room. Not only does it have every single game on, but you get free drinks if you make a bet.

I can’t bet on any games that started, so that rules out all Big Ten games other than the Michigan Wisconsin game. I throw five bucks down on Michigan. If I lose, who cares… I’ll defiantly drink more than five bucks worth of booze. I put down probably 5-7 or so mixed drinks and a couple beers over the next few hours. Iowa takes a tough loss and I’m out–fuck the Michigan game.. Hank comes and gets me, and he has a cousin in Vegas we are gonna go party with for the day.

Saturday
So, Hank’s cousin Leanne picks us up and we go grab three 12 packs of Corona and some limes, of course, and we definitely buy that big economy box of Trojans. We go back to her place, do some laundry and drink a little bit. Now, I brought inside one 12 pack and I thought we gonna leave the other two in the trunk for when we go check into the next hotel.

We go inside, pound quite a few drinks, and party with his cousin and her roommate. I see there are no more beers left and I ask Hank to go out to the trunk to get the other two 12 packs and he’s like “dude, we brought in all 3 at the same time, we’re out.” Now, remember Leanne and her roommate, Brandy, drank their own booze… Hank and I put down 36 beers in the middle of the day. Most people have done that, that’s no big deal. But remember, I drank a good deal before that and the night is faaaaaaaar from over.

Saturday Night
So we grab another 6 pack to tide us over til we go out. We check into the Hotel and as we get ready we decide to kill a little time. The flyers for the hookers say, “99 bucks for two girls, to strip and party with you… anything else, you discuss with them.” So, we figure we’ll call up a few girls, have them strip and party and then go out, fuck having sex with them… The girls arrive and the hotel security guard told me, “You wont do it, you’ll be back down here in 10 minutes.” I was like whatever dude. The hookers we’re being gay, we wanted what we paid for, and they wanted more money and to fuck, I argued. We don’t want to fuck. We just want some strippers before we go out, so they give us a 10 second show of tits and ass and walk out. We rolled on the ground laughing at such a waste of money.

We headed out to the hotel to a bar called ICE. We ran into that security guard and I told him he was right. Anyway, it was game time. We partied at the club for awhile and met a couple girls who were from upstate Nevada. Both pretty good looking and really fun, about as young as us too. We go back to our room and the girl with me was like I thought you guys had separate rooms and bitched about having sex in the same room as her friend. Hank hooked up with his girl, Barbie was her name, I believe…haha. I remember her name but not the girl I fucked.

Anyway, we go over to Ceaser’s Palace to their room. We pound the back board up against the wall for awhile and I head out. I need a drink and to gamble a little bit… You know, I’m in Vegas, what the hell. I get down to the Casino floor and run into Barbie. She told me my friend fucked her and threw her out when the Iowa game came on SportsCenter. Sorry is all I told her.

I hit the slot machines for a while and waste like 10 bucks on the penny slots. I grab a cab over to the Rio, which is where I met the hooker of my dreams. I was trying to get in this girl’s pants for free, but that wasn’t happening… not this one. We walked around the casino probably twice or so, maybe a half hour of walk time. She claimed she makes over a million bucks a year. She said she gets 3-5 guys a night and charges at least a thousand and then told me to do the math. I never did the math, either way I don’t believe her, thats too much money for a hooker to have.

I go back over to my room to meet up with Hank, he wasn’t there and his phone was dead. I decided to go to the Aladdin Hotel because I heard they had some nice bars. I walk down their mall part and find this one big time hopping club, and who do I see there? None other than Hank the Tank. So we go into this club and after no more than like 5 minutes, Hank has some chic hanging on him. They dance around and have a few drinks for awhile. I’m at the bar pounding a few, and next thing I know they are gone.

So I meet this group of five Mexican girls and I find myself dancing in the middle of them. Two of them are really sexy as far my drunk eyes could see… They were staying at the New York, New York Hotel and we ended up in their room. I put a few moves on one of the cuties and she gives me a blow job while I sit on the toilet (I wasn’t pooping, it was just the only seat left in the room). Then I’m outta there faster than Speedy Gonzalez.

I’m walking through the casino, and find a vender selling margaritas for 30 bucks. I’m like what the fuck man, I’ve bought margaritas here for 10 bucks. He throws the cup they use next to a yard stick. This margarita was 3 feet high! I definitely order one. He IDs me so I have my wallet out on the counter. As he is making my drink, 3-4 chics come up to me and start rubbing on me and telling me I’m cute and that they’ve never been with a white guy before, and they are really up close to me and I’m loving it. Then the guy gives me my 3 foot margarita and the girls are gone. The guy tells me to check my pockets. I ask why and he was like, “I guarantee you got robbed.” Sure enough there are 150 bucks or so missing from my front left pocket.

ATM machine time, Black Jack table time, ATM machine time.

Next thing I know, I’m at this club called The Beach, and the bouncer tells me I cant bring my drink inside. I have 2 feet of margarita left, so I chug at least 10 inches of it. Then this chic comes up, grabs my drink, and chugs the shit out of it too. There was barely any left, so I finish it off. I’m inside, I order a vodka/red bull at the price of 9 bucks and party for a lil bit. At this point, I want to get a lil taste of everything Vegas has to offer, which is impossible to do in a month, let alone a night.

Things get a little hazy after a yard of margarita, and I find myself at the Luxor courtesy of a cabbie named Paul. He told me he could hook me up with the finest hookers Vegas has to offer. If you are ever in Vegas, call him at 702-308-8951. He rocks. I declined the hookers knowing that they are somewhat pricey.

I walk over to Mandalay Bay after doing a lil tour of the Luxor Casino and I’m at some bar called the 3950 or something like that. I meet this one guy at the bar and he was like, dude I need a friend more than I’ve ever needed one. I met this one girl but she wont leave the bar without another guy for her friend, and her friend shut down all of my friends. So I take the offer. Everything after that is a blur, but I remember bits and pieces of me and that girl, Sarah, having sex. I fall down in the shower and decide it’s time to call it a night.

I go to the peppermill at 6:30 in morning and grab some breakfast… mmm, french toast and hash browns.

I have to walk across the street to get a cab. I meet some black chic, and we are going to the same hotel and we get a cab together. She asks me how big my wank is, so I show her. She starts playing with it and asks me if she can come to my room. I let her, of course.

Hank is in there passed out, and she doesn’t waste any time and is bent over naked on my bed before I can throw a condom on. I start pounding her for like 1-2 minutes tops and then she crawls out and is like “how much are you willing pay to finish?” Hank lifts his head off the pillow and looks at me and says, “throw that bitch out!” Then he passes out… I look at her and I’m like, it’s time to go.

Sunday
We go over to the Mandalay Bay to stay our last night. I need to sleep since I got to sleep around 8am and check out was at 11am. I was so impressed with it from the short stop I had in it the night before that I had to stay there. We take a short little nap and hit the pools and the shark reef. We eat a 50 dollar buffet, order a movie, and pass out. Our plane leaves at 7:35am. We gotta be at the airport at 5:30.

Monday Morning
We’re up, we’re gone. Airport time.

The Flight Home
So we run into the three guys that were having the bachelor party minus the key person, Mike Lowry. We ask the others what happened to him, and they didn’t know where he was at. Mike Lowry was definitely AWOL in Vegas and didn’t make his flight home. What a hard ass.

Close
If you’ve been to Vegas, you know exactly what I’m talking about… I was very drunk the whole time. Some of the Hotel names and Casinos might be interchangeable. I got Ceaser’s Palace and The Rio confused a lot. Also, I forgot a lot of parts–I was really wasted. I had a drink in my hand and I was drinking righteously that whole fucking time. Without a doubt, I can say that I let Vegas know the meaning of “Hawkize”.

“Walk down the right back alley in Sin City, and you can find anything…”