Fans may notice some changes the next time they roll in to Kinnick for a game. Last weekend, vandals broke in to the stadium and burned the words “IOWA SUCKS” in to the grass at the 10 yard line in front of the student section.

“Whoever did it probably used Roundup [herbicide],” said Ted Thorn, the director of grounds for the athletic department.

Phil Haddy, UI Sports Information Director, was unable to name any suspects. “There’s no reason to suspect Illinois students over anyone else,” Haddy said.

It doesn’t take a private investigator to come up with a group of suspects. Roundup + State Agricultural School + dislike for Iowa = Iowa State. There’s your lead, Phil.

All accusations aside, this atrocity ranks right up there with last year’s vandalism of Seashore Hall. It is a blatant violation of Mikehawk’s First Amendment to the Constitution of the State of Iowa: Citizens shall not, under any circumstances, fuck with Iowa Football. Someone fucked with Iowa Football, and now there will be hell to pay.

The Defense Department at Hawkize.com has been working overtime this week to shore up our security leaks at Kinnick Stadium. We have devised a comprehensive plan to ensure that an incident like this never occurs again…

Welcome to Fort Kinnick.
Trespassers will be killed. We haven’t lost a real battle at home since 2002, but we were defeated by guerilla tactics last weekend. We’re not going to stand for that.

We’ve dabbled in Kinnick architecture before (South Endzone Kum & Go), so it makes sense to seek our consultation for a security renovation as well. This is our three stage solution for locking down Kinnick.

Per Mar will be replaced by four Hawkeye badasses from the League.
Clearly, Per Mar isn’t cutting it anymore. Hawkize has developed a plan to increase security in and around Kinnick while actually reducing the labor force at the same time.

Bob Sanders, Matt Roth, Robert Gallery, and Damien Robinson will be hired to patrol Kinnick 24 hours a day. Taxpayers will match their yearly NFL salaries to compensate them for their services. All in all, they’re a steal at a total of only $12,561,016 for the year.

Bob Sanders is already ecstatic about taking a second job where he gets to kill people for a living. We caught him downtown rocking his new Per Mar hat, which is also helping him pull in the ladies.

Robert Gallery is probably the last guy an intruder would want to meet in a dark Kinnick hallway. Matt Roth is 260 pounds of crazy. He would probably hit construction workers for fun, so imagine what he would do to some vandal. Damien Robinson tried to rip off Aaron Brooks’ head during a game a couple years ago, and he would have been successful if not for Kyle Turley. If he gets his hands on a Kinnick vandal, this time there will be no Kyle Turley around to stop him.

“What about Sundays?” you ask. These guys all have NFL obligations to fulfill. On Sundays, they will be replaced with eight Abrams tanks like this one:

The halls will be lined with laser censors.
And you thought Mission: Impossible was rough. The hallways throughout the stadium will be lined with motion detecting lasers. Vandals beware–tripping one of these lasers means imminent death.

Forget notifying the police; these alerts go straight to Bob Sanders’ cell phone. Once Bob receives notification of a break in, he will mercilessly hunt down the vandal with his 4.37 speed and tackle them straight in to the Kinnick bricks. The structural damage will be left as a reminder of why you shouldn’t break in to Kinnick.

Apache helicopters will survey the field at all times.
It seems appropriate to defend Kinnick with the two biggest killing machines ever, Bob Sanders and Apache helicopters. Try sneaking past this, you bastards:

Here’s some food for thought, just in case any of you morons still think you want to try it:

“It carries 12 hellfire missiles, 72 rockets, and it has a cannon which points wherever the pilot is looking and fires 10 high explosive rounds a second. The thing that interests me most of all about the Apache is its radar. It can pop out from behind a tree or a hill 8 kilometers away. It will have a look at the battlefield, recognize 256 targets, prioritize the 16 most dangerous at that given moment, and destroy all of them. And it will do all that in 28 seconds.” –Top Gear Lotus Exige

With that in mind, you’d better think twice before trying to vandalize Kinnick again.

Conclusion: Fort Kinnick is the most impregnable building ever.
With our plan, another incident like this will never happen again. Go ahead, try and come up with a way to break in and leave it as a comment. Remember that Bob Sanders, as the son of God, trumps everything. He’s the only defense we need, really. The rest is just for show. Board of Regents, here we come (again)!