I’m just going to come out and say it: We’ve got the best linebackers in the nation hands down. The Big Ten as a whole has some freakishly good linebackers, but no team in the nation has a better trio than Abdul Hodge, Chad Greenway, and E-Muscle. I would even go as far as saying that our top three reserves, Mike Humpal, Mike Klinkenborg, and Zach Gablemann, could start on other Big Ten teams. I know what you’re thinking…”WTF? Zach Gabelmann? Who the hell is that guy?” Look for #51, the guy that kills everyone on kickoffs (even if they’re not the ball carrier) and you’ll see what I’m talking about.

At the core of our group of badass linebackers are Abdul Hodge and Chad Greenway. They’ve got slightly different styles but are equally as devastating. Earlier this week, the mad scientists at Hawkize Labs threw back a few beers and decided to see what would happen if we combined the skills of these two future first rounders. The results were remarkable. Hawkize.com proudly presents the ultimate linebacker: Chabdul Hodgeway.

Meet Chabdul

Chabdul Hodgeway makes Lawrence Taylor look like a Buddhist monk. This finely tuned machine features the athleticism of Chad Greenway and the strength and violence of Abdul Hodge, producing the second most destructive force known to man, right behind Bob Sanders. Let’s take a look at some of his characteristics and abilities.

Dreadlocks
Chabdul has some super long, scary dreadlocks like every badass linebacker should have. These dreads hang out of Chabdul’s helmet (a la Abdul Hodge) and strike fear in to opposing players. If an opposing player yanks on the dreads during a game, Chabdul starts to rage and kills people with his guns…

Guns
Taken from Abdul Hodge, Chabdul Hodgeway’s guns must be registered and licensed and are not allowed on commercial airlines. The arms feature massive biceps that bench upwards of five tons. Sets of bench as we know them are nonexistent for this freak of nature. Hodgeway’s workout consists of loading a bar at 6 am with every weight in the Jacobsen building and benching until Chris Doyle wants to go home at night.

Hands
Chabdul has the hands of Chad Greenway. Hodgeway could be an All-American tight end as well, but he likes killing people too much to switch sides. Hodgeway will intercept any pass that comes near him unless there is a receiver going up for it, in which case he would lay a ferocious hit and bury them. Hits before picks.

Legs
Hodgeway is blessed with great speed. He was recently clocked at 3.68 in the 40 yard dash and 2.94 in the shuttle. Hodgeway’s forward and lateral movement is unlike anything else the world has ever seen. Combined with his unparalleled upper body strength, Chabdul Hodgeway is a one man defense. Coach Norm Parker recently developed a new defensive scheme called the 1 where Chabdul Hodgeway is the only defender on the field against 11 offensive players. We will never know the effectiveness of the 1 because opposing teams refuse to step on the same field as Chabdul Hodgeway.

Stomach
When Chabdul isn’t playing football, he’s drinking heavily. He pours gallons of liquor into the stomach of Chad Greenway, a man who once drank Andyram into a hole. Granted, Andyram is about 75 pounds lighter, but he is a hardened alcoholic. Chabdul Hodgeway eats his cereal with Jack Daniels instead of milk and takes baths in Everclear.

Draft Status
Rumor has it that several NFL teams (Houston, Minnesota, Green Bay) are offering their entire team for a shot at drafting Chabdul Hodgeway. Hodgeway is a one man franchise and is capable of playing both offense and defense by himself. Suzy Kolber, ESPN’s super sexy sideline analyst, recently asked Chabdul why teams are putting so much on the line to draft him. He replied, “I’m Chabdul Hodgeway baby!” Not coincidentally, it’s also Chabdul’s pickup line. These four words have bedded 3,650 women, an average of two per day since Hodgeway’s arrival on campus.

Chabdul Hodgeway’s power, speed, and sexual prowess have solidified his legacy as the Ultimate Linebacker. Badgers beware…