My favorite Cyclones
Well, since the Clowns look to be bowling in Houston, they should start looking toward basketball season. That got me thinking about Hilton Magic and such, and I thought: “Hey, why not put together the All-Time Clone Basketball team?” So, here goes- ISU’s finest.
Coach: Larry Eustachy
Eustachy was a heck of a coach- he taught coeds nationwide how to do keg stands, compete in case races, and play beer pong. Forget the Elite 8- he was more interested in Power Hour with some ugly ass Kansas State and Missouri girls. What a fine representation of a fine institution.
Assistant Coach: Randy Brown
Don’t worry feds. You can check my computer- nobody under 18 on here. Too bad for Randy, he couldn’t say the same. Did you really believe those naked kids were “BARELY LEGAL,” Randy? Jesus, Mary and Joseph!
G: Sam Mack
Well, Mack could play some ball. He could also pack some heat- literally. Mack held up a Burger King in Ames, asking for all the cash in the drawer- not knowing he had his picture hanging on the wall five feet away. I hope he at least autographed the thing.
G: Terry Woods
Well, Terry is ranked 12th in three-pointers attempted in ISU history. However, it’s his “pointer” that got him in trouble in August, when he was arrested for kidnapping and sexual abuse. Got Woods?
F/G: Kenny Pratt
Oh, Kenny freaking Pratt. Where to begin? What a class act. Never out of reach from the long arm of the law, Pratt joined another mediocre basketball team, the Des Moines Dragons, after his departure from ISU in the 90s. (Where he battled a sex-assault charge while enrolled) After being allowed to play a game when there was a warrant for his arrest(the thug PROMISED he’d surrender after the game), he bolted up the backstairs of Dowling High School’s gym and was caught on NBC’s cameras trying to run from the police. Run, Kenny…RUN!
F: Clint Varley
Yeah, we at Hawkize know that he wasn’t really an important cog in the entire Iowa State sucking machine, but he did play forward for the Cyclones…until, that is, he was arrested for an OWI in February of 2003. M.A.D.D. would be…well…mad.
C: Jackson Vroman
Vroman was a force underneath, no doubt. Not underneath a car, that is, like his center counterpart Jared Homan(who hid underneath an SUV at a party, only to be found). This seven-foot monster was searched in Spirit Lake in 2004 and was later nailed for possession of a controlled substance and possession of drug paraphernalia. No worries, Jackson: we understand. Most people who play for ISU probably need a lot of drugs to get through one of your seasons.
P.S. – I’ve returned for good, minus the curse words. Who needs curse words to write when the Cyclones give you this kind of material?
Search
Damn those two studs Vroman and Homan… damn them for stealing the show…
You forgot trent flander at TE
Welcome back Michael. Don’t get too carried away on drink and drugs. I seem to recall MANY Suckeye cagers (Acie Earl, Ray Thompson, Chris Kingsbury, Ed ’snort’ Horton, Roy ‘8-ball’ Marble, etc.. etc.. etc..) who found jail time.
Its kind of stupid to continually make fun of a program who has never won anything. As a hawk fan, Id like to think we have better things to concern ourselves with than Iowa State.
no you dont quit lying to yourself wait maybe drinking and parties other than that nope you just need to burn on iowa state
What the hell are you trying to say Herbie? Usually when people put words together they try to have them make sense…
Dear 8-digit,
Thank you for your input to our website, your feedback is greatly appreciated. We here at Hawkize.com review your complaints one at a time to make sure that we hit everything and address all customer concerns.
You obviously think that we talk too much about Iowa State University. Well, here at Hawkize.com, we don’t give a FUCK what you think. Remember what I said about you being a customer? Well, unless you buy a tshirt and then show me a copy of the receipt, I don’t consider you a customer and therefor, I don’t have to treat you with respect.
Maybe that was a little harsh. Maybe I’ll put it this way- I’ll make fun of whoever I want to, and this time I picked the ISU basketball team. Get over it.
Signed,
Hawkize.com
A less inflammatory explanation: We do burn on Iowa State quite a bit, but most of it has had some kind of justification. Last weekend was a perfect example. Others were opportunities to produce a decent article that had to be written at a certain time. Some were even based on topics that Iowa State fans initiated in these comments. Three of my last four posts have had little or nothing to do with ISU. It just happens that our more recent posts have primarily been about ISU. The basketball game is coming up, so it’s that time of year again. Like you said, we get tired of writing about a losing program. Obviously, they don’t want to accept that persona, so they argue and things get heated again. It’s probably safe to say that things will calm down a bit shortly after December 9 when this basketball thing gets settled.
P.S. Buy a tshirt
I don’t know what you are talking about 8-digit. The funny thing is, all of the Iowa athletic teams seem to do pretty well, so we really don’t have anything better to concern ourselves with than make fun of ISU
My basic point is that Id much rather concern myself with programs like Illinois and Ohio State than Iowa State. I know they are an in-state rival but seriously hawk fans, why get so worked up over a D2 school?
8digit, that was a stellar response. Kudos to you.
Alright this is how its going to go. I am going to make fun of you for losing to that supposedly “D2 school….your’e a moron by the way.” then you are going to give me some pathetic heartbreaking story about how without horner you can’t hold up a game against any Iowa basketball team…tear…tear…. Now I’m going to remind you that basketball is a team sport, just like football, so use your, hopefully, high school education and explain to yourself that just cause you lost one player you still managed to lose in both football and bascketball bitches. And here is a side note for you, Horner played most of the game against UNI and you still lost, maybe you were better without him, who knows, All I know is that Alford looked like a pathetic little school girl who was completely out over his head in Hiltons Magic… Save the comments, you lost, keep the excuses in IA city……………….
i think everyteam should be required to lose a game to baylor, they are good. i hope tcu takes it easy on ISU and lets them keep, o wait, they don’t have any national respect anyway.
I hope TCU ass rapes them.
… in the most christian way possible…
The only reson you hope TCU ass rapes us is because you guys failed to even come close to… Grow some balls and stop praying for other people to do something that you cant.
it is very hard for iowa to come down from such a competitive level to play with such inferior competition.
with that logic, the suckeyes would lose to a pop warner team, douche bag.
you couldnt even win the big 12 north. most of this might not make sense to you if you graduated from IS Who?. just a little fact for you. Troy Davis is the dumbest football player to ever make it to the rookie combine. The dumbest. how did he stay eligible for 4 years?
hey i got bored again since im home. i think the subject here is making an all time cyclone team. hmmm how about G jamal tinsley G jeff hornacek G fred hoiberg F marcus fizer and C kelvin cato. look them up and tell me they arent doing (or did) good in the nba. nothing wrong w/the cyclones. i tried looking for hawkeyes in the nba to prove an all time hawkeye team that would be any good. since i really dont care about them i quit looking. someone show me a full team (if possible) of hawkeyes doing good in the nba other than ricky davis. and no he cant take on the cyclone team alone. this isnt saturday night live where jordan takes on other countries in the olympics.