Well, Hawkize.com faithful (There are quite a few of you now- we thank you for your patronage.), it’s time to get a little something besides hair of my chest.

All this talk of Kirk Ferentz leaving Iowa can stop.

RIGHT

FUCKING

NOW.

The only place Kirk is going is to Perkins in Coralville to have some coffee, then maybe to his living room to drink a beer. Why won’t he be going anywhere? Let’s examine the teams that are in need of a head coach in the NFL.

Green Bay: Yeah, Kirk wants this job like Andyram wants the clap (again). Kirk deals well with senior citizens, but I don’t think he wants one playing quarterback- let alone one that throws that many interceptions. Green Bay, sorry- but you’re out.

Minnesota: Ha- get real. Ferentz may be a nicknamed the Good Captain, but he doesn’t want to take over the helm on the Love Boat anytime soon. Daunte Culpepper will be doing his little arm rolling thing… and Kirk will be catching it on TV from the Sports Column. Sorry, Minnesota- no dice.

Oakland: I just can’t see Kirk Ferentz coaching Randy Moss. Maybe, just maybe, this could happen… if Robert Gallery eats Moss. Unless I see some canibalism in the next few days- no deal, Al Davis.

St. Louis: Hmm..no. Kirk doesn’t coach in domes- he enjoys this Iowa air just too damn much. Well, that and the fact that probably doesn’t ever have to buy beer in Iowa City again. Advantage- Iowa City. Sorry, St. Louis- you might want to get in contact with Dick Vermeil again.

Kansas City: Sorry, KC- Kirk won’t be appearing in Arrowhead anytime soon. Rumor is that Kirk once stopped in Kansas City for a cheeseburger on the interstate and he asked for no mayo. Well, you guessed it- the douchebag serving him messed up and he’ll never go back. Ever.

New York (Jets): As much as our brothers out in Jersey would love to see this happen, I’ve got a cheer for the J-E-T-S…. H-A-H-A HA HA HA!

Buffalo: Kirk and Buffalo don’t mix- Kirk likes to win in January. Not going to happen.

New Orleans: You know, this might have been a possibility before this year- but no longer. Why, you ask? Simple: Kirk likes a challenge- if he was there during the hurricane, it would have stopped, turned around, and ran for its life. You don’t fuck with Kirk.

Houston: Chris Mortsenson on ESPN said that Kirk is going to interview with these Clowns. He’s about as credible as Richard fucking Nixon- don’t believe a word the guy says. Why would Kirk want to interview with Houston? Well- they do have great facilities… but, Kirk doesn’t field bad teams- and only really, really, really shitty teams play in that stadium. (See photo)