Here at Hawkize.com, we’re all about following rules, regulations, and being law abiding citizens.

Now that I have the humor out of the way, lets move on to the serious business having to do with those rules and regulations. Last weekend, Iowa quarterback Drew Tate aced the sixth hole at Finkbine Golf Course in Iowa City during a celebrity golf tournament. The prize for anyone who does this was $25,000 toward a new car. Tate, being the hard ass that he is, planned to use the 25 G’s to buy a new Harley Davidson.

Then, big brother NCAA stepped in. We believe the conversation went sort of like this:

NCAA Douchebag: Hey, nice shot, Drew!
DT: Thanks. I’m the fucking man, you know.
NCAA: Oh, we know. We’ve been making millions off of guys like you for years.
DT: Yeah, whatever. I’m gonna go get my prize now.
NCAA: Oh, yeah- about that- you can’t do that. We’re a bunch of old fuckbags who want to make sure your life is as miserable as possible while you’re in college. Don’t even think about it.
DT:Why not? It’s a game of chance, what’s the big deal? I’m not even a college golfer!
NCAA: Hey, we’re the NCAA, that’s why! Fuck you!

This is, case in point, what is wrong with the NCAA. While the people at the top like Miles Brand make millions off the hard working student athlete superstars like Tate, the stars themselves are not allowed to capitalize on the talents that write the big wigs’ paychecks.

What do I plan to do about it?

Let Hawkize run the college sports scene, that’s what.

You have to be sitting there wondering “Wow, it’s all so simple- how come I didn’t think of that?” The answer is: you probably did, but it was so blatantly obvious that you just didn’t speak up. That’s okay: we’ll give you a pass.

Here are some of the changes we plan to make, once we abolish the NCAA:

Beer at college sporting venues: This one is a no-brainer. If you’re 21, you can enjoy a beverage at Kinnick Stadium. If you’re not, you can enjoy one with a fake ID. It’s pretty cut and dry- can you imagine what gameday at Kinnick would be like if you didn’t have to show up at the gate absolutely hammered, but instead could become inebriated inside the gates? More money for the university, rowdier fans, and one hell of a stench- shit, why not?

Let athletes sign endorsement deals: Once again, this isn’t that tough of a decision. If this act was passed, athletes could finally capitalize on their talents. Just think about it: Albert Young asking you to come down to Carousel Motors in Iowa City to buy your next buick, or Brett Meyer doing a commercial for Studio 13. Why not let these guys make some money for themselves instead of feeding it to people who do nothing?

End Iowa State University: I’m pretty sick of them making our state look bad. Abolish them and make them consolidate with UNI and Drake to make one, super big gay university. You’ve got all the ingredients: the gays from ISU, the teachers from UNI to socially promote their asses through the four years of college, and the lawyers from Drake to defend their asses in court when they will, ultimately, be arrested for child molestation. What could be better?

Monthly stipends for athletes: There’s no time to get a job when you’re a college athlete. You’ve got a lot of other things to worry about: class, your respective sport, and (at Iowa at least) how to keep the chicks from banging down your damn door. This is why Hawkize proposes a $300 per month stipend for athletes on NCAA Division 1 athletic teams. This would cover the necessities: groceries and rubbers. Come on, suits, throw these guys a bone!

If the NCAA would take a look at these proposals, the whole nation would be better off. Think about it, old guys.

ON IOWA. GO HAWKS!