Well folks, it’s that time of year again:the time where I stay up late watching the clock, sitting with an economy-sized bottle of Johnson&Johnson and my magazine in bed. My hair starts to stand up on end, and as it gets closer to midnight, I get into my car and start driving to try and end the suspense.

Everyone knows that these things mean one of two things: I’m either looking at some real sweet German pornography, or..

It’s NCAA Football time on XBOX 360.

I decided, first things first, to change the cover of this game to a guy more suitable for stardom than Reggie “Whoops I didn’t know I had to pay rent!” Bush. Here’s your new coverman:

Now that we’ve got that whole mess out of the way, on to the real meat of my post: I decided that, like any rational person would assume, I will base my entire predictions for the Hawkeyes’ 2006 season upon the results of playing NCAA Football 2007 on the junior varsity level.

So, without further adeiu, here it is: the exact way in which the 2006 Iowa football season will turn out.

GAME 1: #17 Iowa 77, 1AA Northwest 7
I know- you’re thinking “that’s retarded!” “what a ridiculous score!” “there’s no way they’d be able to put up that many points!”
BELIEVE IT! Iowa actually surrendered a touchdown last night as I answered the phone. Shit. Iowa moves to 1-0 while using nothing but subs for the entire second half. Drew Tate goes 9-9 with six touchdowns, three of them to Calvin Davis. Now, Iowa gets ready for a long plane ride to New York.

GAME 2: #15 Iowa 63, Syracuse 0
Things are back to normal for the now #15 Hawkeyes, as they roll into Syracuse and leave the Big Orange feeling real blue- and black and red and green and every other nasty color you’ve ever seen your skin turn after being hit with a freight train. Drew Tate…well, yeah, you get the picture.

GAME 3: #14 Iowa 129, Iowa State 2
I know what you’re thinking- there’s no way that Iowa gives up two points to those no-talent assclowns. Well, fumbles in the end zone happen. And so does extending the quarters a little longer so I can make sure to injury the electronic Bret Meyer (He’ll be riding the pine with a broken collarbone for 8 weeks, a gift given to him from our thoughtful linebacker Mike Humpal in the 2nd quarter before I pulled my starters.)
Obviously, the outcome is tainted because Iowa was looking ahead to the Big 10 season and fell asleep on offense. You’re lucky, Clowns.

GAME 4: #10 Iowa 70, Illinois 17
I actually used Damiam Sims at RB quite a bit this game using a beautifully designed play called the halfback stretch. Sims ended up with a tit over 200 yards on the ground with six of Iowa’s 9 offensive touchdowns. Mitch King notched a fumble return for a TD, and Tate lit up the skies for 329 yards and three touchdowns. The sick thing is- this is probably going to be the real score. I really need to keep practicing.

GAME 5: #8 Iowa 28, #1 Ohio State 13
Yeah fucking right. Like Iowa is going to lose at Kinnick without Carr’s nasty refs on the field. The Hawks dominated the game and controlled the tempo- just like they will in Iowa City when the real deal rolls around. Tate moved into the top five of the Heisman watch list after this big win, jumping to number four.

GAME 6:#3 Iowa 56, Purdue 0
It’s homecoming in Iowa City- and not even Wilford Bremly’s Purdue Boilermakers can derail the train that is the Hawkeye offense. Iowa rolls.

GAME 7: #2 Iowa 28, Indiana 0
The Hawk defense steps up to the challenge when I sit Drew Tate after his second fumble of the game in the 2nd quarter. Jake Christensen throws a lot of short passes to Scott Chandler and the Hawks slowly end Indiana’s hopes of ever fielding a solid win in the Big 10 conference during football season. Man, what an ugly fucking stadium.

GAME 8: #2 Iowa 35,#8 Michigan 14
It was a tough game in a really big dump of a stadium- and after surviving 12 penalties, all of which were late hits- the Hawks escape with a big win to solidify their National Championship hopes.

GAME 9: #2 Iowa 73, Northern Illinois 0
To go along with the Blackout Game, the Hawks give the Huskies a few black eyes. A pushover game, as expected.

GAME 10: #2 Iowa 42, Northwestern 3
I wish that EASports would have incorporated a “spearing” button so that my electronic Hawks could show Brett Basanez what his real counterpart has in store for him if he ever takes a visit to Iowa City when he’s done playing in the NFL. I’m sure that Brett will feel right at home in our pink visitor’s locker room, being that he has a vagina. Oh, about the game it wasn’t close- but it was boring.

GAME 11: #2 Iowa 21, Wisconsin 0
Iowa wins the Bull again, making it…oh, wait, Wisconsin has NEVER won it. Yeah.

GAME 12: #2 Iowa 56, Minnesota 14
Iowa leaves no doubt in the Dome that they are the outright Big 10 Champions and solidifies a spot in the National Title Game. Oh, Sweet Jesus.

Stay tuned for a full synopsis of the Hawks’ battle with Texas in the National Championship game.

ON IOWA. GO HAWKS!