Just when you thought it couldn’t get worse…
Iowa State unveils plans to have its players enter through “The Taint!”.
I know what you’re thinking: you’ve got to be fucking kidding me. Trust me- I’m not.
Not only do the Clowns plan to enter through an inflatable helmet, ala Super Bowl XXII, tonight in their season-opener versus might Toledo, they also plan to blare tornado sirens when the players exit the helmet. Obviously, ISU Athletic Director Jamie Pollard didn’t consider that this might make all 725 fans on hand evacuate the building, thinking that that the Iowa Hawkeyes have shown up.
Fit for the mystique of an Iowa Cubs AAA baseball game, every player will get to choose their own theme song to run onto the field to. Hawkize took a poll, and this is what we came up with for potential songs for some of ISU’s bigger names:
Stevie Hicks, Running Back: “Because I got High” - Afroman
Dan McCarney, Head Coach: “You gotta make your own kind of music” - The Mamas and the Papas
Justin Robertson, DB: “Pumped up” - Andre Nickatina
..and you get the idea.
They’re not stopping there, though. Trying to mimic their neighbors to the south at Principal Park in Des Moines, they’ll be shooting off hot dog and t-shirt cannons! Following the game will be a special fireworks display as well, proving the well-known rumor that Cyclone fans all have considerable ADHD.
Make sure you all tune into whatever fucking local station is picking up this terrible game tonight at a time not TBA, but WGAF(Who Gives a Fuck) to catch the enthralling action of Division III football.
8 Responses to “Just when you thought it couldn’t get worse…”
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This line is great:
“Through surveys, focus groups, e-mails and plain old conversation, there came a consensus that game days at Jack Trice Stadium needed a makeover.”
The funny thing is, they’re overlooking the truth here. The only way to improve the gameday experience there is to bring in an entirely new team and do away with the ‘Clones. Or bring in the Hawkeyes.
Also, did anyone else notice in their article that there seems to be some confusion over Mark Pink’s gender? Mark is definitely a male’s name, but they refer to him as “she” in all of the quotes. Props to the editor for catching that one.
Colestal - While the team is certainly the problem, I think the bigger problem is the fan base. Look what they requested in their little survey. Fireworks, a siren, and customized t-shirts? Come on, I feel like I’m at a church camp not a football game. I think if you gave a similar survey to Iowa fans you would get suggestions such as: later game times to allow more tailgating, beer inside of stadium, and free big ass turkey legs. For some reason I’m excited for their season opener tonight, I really want to see them lose to Toledo. and who wants to bet that at least half of the entrance songs will be country?
PS has anyone seen that powerpoint forward going around entitled Iowa City vs. Ames?
All of these lame gimmicks ignore the main issue: Jack Trice stadium is an absolutely horrible football venue. As if they stadium layout wasn’t bad enough already, these “improvements” are going to make it even more like a zoo than a football stadium.
Does anyone else notice that the proposed football helmet entrance in Jack Trice look suspiciously like a giant cock and balls?
Boiler…hence entering through “the taint.”
What a terrible broadcast by Mediacom…the camera is all over the place, and I’d bet this announcer has said “go ahead and __________” over 100 times now. This is sad.
You read my mind Colestal. I unfortunately got the pleasure of watching the first half at old chicago in ames. Not that I enjoy being in Ames, but I had to go there in order to finish my world beer tour since I just moved to Des Moines. Anyways these isu fans are just idiots. They were all in there cheering like ISU was playing in the Super Bowl.
I will agree the camera work was shitty, this combined with mediocre refs caused some questionable calls, like the incterception being overruled and the isu player going out of bounds before the td catch. Not to mention the extremely biased commentators.
I will say this, isu is in for a long season. These fucking idiots barely beat Toledo. And even though they won they didn’t even cover the spread. Nothing pisses me off more than seeing a team celebrate after they beat a shitty team by 2 points in double overtime.
And finally I will leave you all with this: Last week I was talking to a girl from ISU and making fun of the fact that they played on a Thursday night. She then went on to inform me that thursday night was better since “they then get to party all weekend” is that logic fucked up or what? They must roll a little bit different in Ames than in Iowa City. Judging by the look of the student section on tv tonight, they were all sober.
ridiculous nicholas out -