The setting is October 4th, 1923: Iowa State’s football team is getting ready to load the bus for a trip to Minneapolis for their football game. The bus breaks down due to poor maintenance. Iowa State never makes it to the game and Jack Trice never dies.

College

After about a year and a month of majoring in Animal Husbandry, Jack Trice realizes that it doesn’t quite teach students how to be a good husband to an animal. So Jack turns around and divorces his donkey for a wife, Cora Mae Starland. Jack discovers that he is lost in life without being able to be a good husband to an animal and drops out of college and moves back to Cleveland with his uncle, where they had many sexual encounters with each other.

Final stats

Jack’s final stats were:

Offensive

89 carries for -2939 yards

21 fumbles

1 reception for -42 yards

56 dropped passes

Defensive

0 Tackles

1 pass break up (A quarterback intentionally threw the ball and Jack’s groin)

The Circus

Jack decides he needs to get a job. Jack joins the circus as poop scooper for the elephants. Jack stumbles upon some tranquilizers they use on the elephants. He shoots one into an elephant and decides to perform sexual acts on this beast of nature. After becoming very accustomed to doing this regularly Jack gets real curious and injects himself with a smaller dose of tranquilizer to get high.

Drug Dealing

Jack decides he isn’t making enough money scooping elephant shit for the Circus, so he decides to start selling tranquilizers on the street for a few extra bucks. Jack starts the modern trend of drug dealing that is so common today. After a few thousand dollars Jack makes a mistake and is caught dealing by a local law enforcement official. The officer is 5′6 and 330 lbs and so Jack tries to run away, due to a lack of speed on Jack’s part the officer runs him down and tackles him into the pavement.

Jail

Three weeks of sitting in county jail and two appearances in court later Jack finds himself sitting in the Ohio State Penitentiary for the next 7 to 10 years. His cell-mate, Squirrel Master, proclaimed Jack his bitch and sold Jack’s services for cigarettes and pudding cups. Jack didn’t mind though, he considered himself the most popular guy in the block.

Freedom

10 years and a 10 inch rectum diameter expansion later Jack was released from jail right in the heart of the great depression. With work not being an option, drug dealing being a little risky, Jack just decides to become a bum. He was sleeping on park benches and eating out of dumpsters for the next few years. Whenever possible he would buy a boot-legged bottle of moonshine and drink that to pass the time. After about 15 years of that he decided to travel the countryside. He hitch-hiked his way to Chicago and was listening to a public radio and heard about how Nile Kinnick killed 50 people in the Bears game the night before. Jack thought to himself, “Man, I wish I was Nile Kinnick… I am a complete piece of shit!”

The Encounter

A few days later Jack was busy beggin’ people for money in a local tavern and Nile Kinnick happened to be there at the same time(with 10 of Chicago’s finest women). At pure coincidence Jack is the first person to go use the toilet after Nile just got done taking a shit. Jack takes a look in the toilet and sees a giant blob of 20 lbs of 100% pure gold. (Nile is such a bad mother fucker and such a hardcore Hawkeye that his shit is pure gold, shame Colestal didn’t mention this) Jack immediately grabs the golden dookie runs out of the tavern and exchanges it for cold hard cash.

The Death

Jack thinks things are about to make a turn for the better, he throws all of his money into his grocery cart that he lives out of. As he is pushing it back toward the bar to thank Nile for his steaming pile of golden shit, Nile’s walks out of the bar and looks Jack Trice right in the eye. The End. Jack is now dead.

So there you have it. Jack Trice: football dud, animal fucker, drug dealer, bum. It’s amazing what might have been.