I was doing some thinking the other night- why do we get so damn hyped up about a football game? In the grand scheme of things, it doesn’t mean much, right?

Wrong. I was doing coke and now that I’m down from that little buzz, I decided to play a game called “Compare the Alumni.”In this game, I will take some of the most famous alumni from each school and compare them- similar to what I did with the OSU v. Iowa NFL comparison I did last year.

First up, lets take football players. For Iowa, we have..

Ladell Betts, RB, Washington Redskins

Betts just had another 100 yard game with the Redskins and is having a fabulous NFL career, especially considering where he was drafted. True success story, true Hawkeye.

vs.

Maurice Clarett, Ohio Penal League, Catcher

What a long, hard fall it’s been for Mo. In 2002, he was busy stripping the football and national title away from Miami in the Fiesta Bowl. Now, a couple loaded shotguns and bottles of Grey Goose later, he’s busy stripping down and biting a pillow for his new cell-mate, Brutus, in the pen. Ouch!

James Van Allen, Scientist

The recently passed Van Allen is one of the most famous scientists of our time, laying claim to the Van Allen radiation belts in outer space. He is also the namesake of the lecture hall where I received my first college “F.” A true American.

VS.

Jeffrey Dahmer, Cannibal

Ah, not many know, but Dahmer is a graduate of O$U. Think he picked up some tips from Woody Hayes? Who knows. All I know is that from now on, when I think of O$U, I’m going to think of cannibals.

I wanted to keep this post going, but as it turns out- no one has actually EVER GRADUATED from O$U. Everyone who has enrolled at this bastardly place has either been arrested, killed in mob violence, or been banished to the Island of the Lepers and Gays. Hmm, so much for that comparison.

ON IOWA. GO HAWKS!