Iowa State Head Coach Exam
As you all know, Iowa State is in the process of replacing Dan McCarney. It took some detective work, but the Hawkize crew was able to get a copy of the Iowa State head coach exam. Here it is:
Iowa State Head Coach Exam
1. Your best player comes up to you and says he can’t pay child support to his 3 baby mommas this month. You:
a. Take him to a good lawyer
b. Smack him upside the head and show him how to use a rubber
c. Continue to chomp on your gum and pace about
d. Its Ames, just give her 3 bags of hog feed and call it even
2. Your stadium holds 50,935 but you’ll be lucky if 20,000 show up next year. How many extra sirens will you have to play to get another 20,000?
3. Your team is about to lose to Missouri for a fifth straight year. In hopes of salvaging something from the game you:
a. Design a play that has your tight-ends route running into you to take you out of your misery.
b. Put in the 6th string, JUCO transfer that bags groceries at Safeway during the week and give him some “valuable” PT
c. Be a good sport and just be thankful you didn’t lose to Baylor this year
d. Think of the hot young Tiger coeds you will be drinking Natural Lite Ice with and hitting on later after your team leaves.
4. One of your players comes up to you and says he accepted $1,000 from a booster last month. You:
a. Shake his hand because he is the richest person in Ames
b. Turn him into the AD because you run a “clean program”
c. Continue to chomp on your gum an pace about
d. Trick question, Iowa State doesn’t have boosters
5. Your team just got a new best player. You:
a. Make up some bullshit about your schools long history of excellence
b. Pray he doesn’t quit the team like so many other of your recruits.
c. Send Kirk Ferentz a cheese tray and a thank you for kicking the player off the Iowa team.
6. How many Cyclone State billboards will it take to kid yourself out of knowing you’re a failure? Explain.
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I know there’s hasn’t been a lot to smile about this season, but reading the SI.com power rankings today brought a smile to my face. Not because the Hawkeyes are rated high, but because the cyclowns did not crack TOP 100 DIVISION 1 TEAMS. We’re not living up to expectations but they are flat awful.