Hawkize fans, as our long-time poster Ridiculous Nicholas mentioned in a comment to an earlier post, Hawkize is beginning to return to its old style now that Colestal and I have began posting with somewhat of a regularity. If you’ve missed us, we’re flattered. If you haven’t, well fuck you, because you’re not a true Hawkeye fan. Assholes.

Twas’ the night before Christmas,

And all through the Hawkize house,

Not a creature was stirring,

Except Mikehawk’s computer mouse.

Andyram was drunk, he had not a care

Colestal prayed his behavior wouldn’t land police there.

Ed was nustled all snug in his bed,

While visions of The Catch danced in his head.

And Zound in his kerchief, I in my Herky cap,

Has just grabbed CycloneReport, to wipe my ass after a big, smelly crap.

When out on the front of the double wide arose such a clatter,

I didn’t fucking move. I didn’t care what was a matter.

I wiped with Bret Meyers photo and to the window, flew like a flash,

Worried it was Jason Berryman, I held tight to my cell phone and cash.

I ran outside to see who was at my place,

I crossed my fingers and readied my mace,

When what to my wondering eyes should appear..

But Dan McCarney, the bitter beer-faced, front-butt queer!

“What the fuck are you doing?” I asked Dan with disdain,

“I’m broke and out of work,” he answered in vain.

“You suck at life, get out of my yard,”

“But you don’t understand. Life at ISU is hard.”

I perked up my ears, and gave him a minute,

“Enlighten me, asshole,” I couldn’t wait to hear him spin it.

“Well, we won the second half,” he started in,

“And we were getting to where we needed to be,” he continued to spin.

“Dan, I’ve heard enough,” I smiled at the poor guy,

“But you’ll get out of this place if you don’t want to die.”

Dan sulked away, playbook tucked in his belt,

You can’t imagine how giddy I felt.

As he walked away, I heard him bellar,

“On Berryman, On Meyer, On Blythe- back to the Big 12 cellar!”

I walked back in the house with a smile on my face,

Andyram had barfed all over the place.

I told my crew of my tale,

Colestal’s face turned an odd, white pale.

“You had the chance to kill the bastard and didn’t?” he questioned me,

I answered with a smile, “Living as a Cyclone is worse than dying, you see”

Merry Christmas to all. On IOWA. GO HAWKS!