It’s about time to break out into Auld Lang Syne, and with a new year comes a time to look back on the past 365 days and try to change some things that have been wrong in our lives. (See Colestal’s Year-In-Review of the Athletics debacle at Ames Community College for Agriculture)

So, without any further adieu, I give you the conversation that I found myself having with Colestal, Andyram, Ed, and Zound about our plans for next year.

Mikehawk: Man, I can’t believe it’s almost January. It doesn’t feel right, you know?

Colestal: Why dude?

Mikehawk: Because Iowa State is finally playing an athletic event near New Years. Too bad it’s a basketball game against some other po-dunk, piece of shit school.

Andyram: I totally like dudes.

Colestal: That’s cool, Andyram, but I think you should make a new year’s resolution about that.

Andyram: You mean, to like, do more guys?

Colestal: Yeah, something like that, Andyram. Something like that. Anyway, I think I’m going to make one right now. Next year, I pledge to block Cyclones.com from my Mozilla Firefox. Really, so I can never read about that shit again.

Zound: That’s a pretty good one. I guess I’m next. Uhm, I guess, I promise to never, ever write a serious, ESPN-like post again. I’m a really funny guy, actually, and I need to stick to the gameplan of Hawkize: talking about how gay Iowa State is, slamming Andyram because he kind of abandoned us or is incarcerated, and talking about beer a lot.

Mikehawk: That’s what I’m talking about! Shake and Bake! (Pounds fist)

Zound: (Fist pound)

Ed: Yeah guys, I’d love to get in on this, but my girlfriend is totally gonna be…

Mikehawk: Yeah, about that, Ed: I tied her up. She won’t be bothering you for the next hour. Now open another beer, and your soul, and let it all out, big guy.

Ed: You..what? What? She’s tied up? I’m in huge fucking trouble…fuck…you know….you know what? Fuck it. It’s my turn, I’m getting a beer, and I’m going to talk. (Opens a Zima)

Mikehawk: I’m going to kill you.

Ed: Just kidding, guys. Seriously. (Opens a Bud Light) Okay, now, getting back to business: I’m going to resolve to post more often and not go on a two-month hiatus from the site. You know? I’m a good poster, when I decide to, and I need to do it more often.

Mikehawk: Yeah, I guess that’s a great idea. That just leaves me, then huh?

Andyram: Mikehawk buddddyyyyy what about me?

Mikehawk: Holy shit. It’s been five minutes and Andyram is already smashed. Amazing.

Colestal: He likes to picture his Jesus as a partier, you know.

Mikehawk: Okay,well, now that Andyram is blackout drunk, I can make mine. I resolve to…well, this is a lengthy list. I resolve to not focus so much on Iowa State..wait, fuck that, I think my focus is fine. I resolve to stop drinking alcohol until I turn 21….haha, yeah right. Just fucking kidding, fuckers. But seriously, I resolve to replace every “God” in the Bible with the world “Gable.” From there, I will see to it that Carver-Hawkeye Arena is henceforth known as “Dan’s House.” I will petition Gary Barta to extend Coach Gable’s duties to Baseball and Basketball, and ask that Kirk Ferentz be chosen as the new President at the UI. Who needs a board of regents when you’ve got Hawkize? We won’t reject help from professors- we just won’t accept lists in the first place. If you don’t chew Big Red, then fuck you, you know? Moving on, with Kirk as our new AD, I move that another 60,000 seats be added in a second and third deck to Kinnick Stadium, making it tall enough to actually block sunlight. I also move that Saturday is renamed to “Football Day” and that it no longer be referred to as “Tailgating” but rather “Disorderly Conducting.” In closing, the “Philip D. Adler” School of Journalism will henceforth be known as “The Mikehawk School of Cleverly Making Fun of Rival Fanbases.”

Colestal: Is that it?

Mikehawk: Yeah, that pretty much sums it up. Oh, yeah, and I promise to never kick Andyram in the nuts while he’s drunk again.

Colestal: You’ve done that before?

(WAM!)

Mikehawk: Now I have. Sorry.

ON IOWA. GO HAWKS!