IOWA CITY, IA — For Devan Moylan, it’s about one more chance.
On Thursday, word leaked to Hawkize that Devan Moylan was awarded a fifth year of eligiblity from the NCAA. The walk-on from Panora, IA was not available directly for comment because he is in Europe flipping switches and smacking bitches.
Contrary to popular belief, the extra year has nothing to do with the fact that Moylan lost an entire year when he suffered a leg injury early last fall. The extra year actually came as a result of Moylan holding NCAA President Miles Brand by his small, shriveled nutsack over Niagra Falls, screaming “Say my name, BITCH!”
Colestal, a high school classmate and former lover of Moylans, popped an instant erection when he learned the news.
“I’m harder than a diamond in an ice storm right now,” Colestal said. “Dev is going to fuck shit up. I mean, fucking kill people. And by kill them I mean stop their pulses and the family is going to have to have a wake, funeral, and burial and shit. Like, really kill people. Dismemberment. Imagine it. Moylan takes out some cocksmoke like Todd Blythe on a crossing pattern and actually splits him in half. And Blythe is looking Moylan in the eye, his last breaths coming out, and Dev leans in real close. Except it’s not to comfort him, because that isn’t Dev’s style. Nope- he leans down and whispers “I fucked your four-year old sister. And she cried.” and then Todd dies. And the whole funeral process has to start, and some people are sad but man I would be jacked. That’s what’s going to happen.”

ON IOWA. GO HAWKS!