Think of all the great Hawkeyes who we have been blessed to watch as Iowa fans… Bob Sanders, Chuck Long, Dallas Clark, Robert Gallery, Matt Roth, Abdul Hodge, Chad Greenway, Fred Russell, Dean Oliver, Jeff Horner, Greg Brunner, the list goes on and on…

Who tops the list out of all these greats?

Chris “Motherfucking” Kingsbury.

This man defines the epitome of a Hawkeye. How many mental states did this guy play basketball in?! I can name a few. Wasted, hungover, and stoned out of his God damn mind. Three defining traits of an Iowa Hawkeye. And what did he do? He made it rain 3-balls all day on the Big 10. Who needs an inside game when you have a guard who can drop it in from 40 feet and have it not even consider it a prayer?

After a route against Purdue in West Lafayette in ‘95, Chris Kingsbury decided to break team policy (obviously) and get hammered in a bar in downtown Lafayette. He returned to the Sheraton where the team was staying while several reporters followed him through the door. Kingsbury immediately went to the corner of the lobby to a fake plant and unleashed a piss for the ages, when asked for comment on his 712 point 0 assist performance that night, Kingsbury just said “God damn it, let me finish pissing!” What a great American!

Did I mention that he single handedly won a battle for the American forces in Iraq by making a diving tip of a smart bomb pass from al-Qaida officer Abu Zubaydah? The bomb was sent off course into an al-Qaida underground bunker, incinerating all the inhabitants. The soldiers celebrated the decisive victory by watching a startling fireworks display just outside the barracks, which is obviously a Chris Kingsbury 35 foot jumper shootaround session.

Chris Kingsbury’s career at Iowa came to an end in 1996 when he made the only logical choice of declaring for the NBA draft. After being picked up by the Washington Bullets, the NBA decided that it was unfair to the rest of the league and would destroy the balance of power in the league, deciding not to allow the Bullets to place Kingsbury on the regular season roster.

As Hawkeye fans, I think it is your responsibility to know every single aspect of this man, how many points he scored in each game, what size of shoe he wears, and how many women he impregnated on every Big 10 school’s campus.

Minneapolis, MN: 0 (Even Chris Kingsbury avoids STDs)
Madison, WI: 18 (Serious hate fucking)
Evanston, IL: 7 (Fucking prudes)
Champaign, IL: 23
West Lafayette, IN: 9 (Debatable if these were actually females… do girls even go to Purdue?)
Bloomington, IN: 54 (Bob Knight set him up with some sorority whores in agreement to keep his score under 200 against Indiana)
East Lansing, MI: 10 (Once fucked Sparty)
Ann Arbor, MI: 1 (He fucked Ann Arbor, the woman, exclusively)
Columbus, OH: 25
State College, PN: 14
Iowa City, IA: ∞

I know this because I am a true Chris Kingsbury fan. Are you?

I think this video will change your life, as it did mine by bringing back some of my favorite Kingsbury memories…

http://www.desmoinesregister.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20061110/MULTIMEDIA/61110035

Question of the day: How many Chris Kingsbury 3-balls would it take to cure shingles and herpes?