Cue music: “Oh what a night,” Frankie Valli

Few times in our lives, we have the opportunity to make history.

For Trashboy and Mikehawk, destiny was Thursday night in a high school football stadium somewhere on the campus of Iowa State University.

Around 4:45 PM, I sat at my computer looking at my regular bookmarks on Mozilla- www.myfriendshotmom.com, www.tommys-bookmarks.com, and www.hawkeyesports.com, (masturbating while tabbing through all three.) I was about to climax when an idea hit me- man, I would love to see a MAC team destroy a Class 4A-quality team at home. I called up Trashboy, but he didn’t answer- so I lit up the Hawkize signal (a silhouette of Andyram keeled over a toilet) and received a call back nearly instantly.

Five minutes later, Trashboy and I were on the way to Ames, motoring down I-80 in his purple Grand Prix drinking Natty Light. Why Natty Light, you ask? Well, Duh.

One hour and 45 minutes later, we pulled into Cyclone Liquors, parked the car, and grabbed two shots of Jager each for the walk to the stadium. After taking them with some decent Iowa State fans- yes, I understand the phrase “decent ISU fans” is akin to “non-contagious AIDS victims,” but I digress.

Entering the stadium, the boos started hailing us- who, of course, were decked from head to toe in Hawkeye gear, including my shirt that shows Herky getting felatio from Cy.

I was spit on. Trashboy was jeered at and called a faggot. I was told I had five minute to leave or I’d get my ass killed. The fans even forgot, imgaine that, that a football game was being played in front of them, and started a “Fuck the Hawks” chant instead of maybe, oh, I don’t know- a “Let’s go you fucking idiots” to their players.

But we stood tall. We stood tall in black and gold, and, in a flash (HAHA, GET IT?) the game was winding down with a 23-14 Kent State lead early in the 4th. Trashboy and I decided to try and get a head-start on the psycho fans and left the game- but, as we later thought was an obvious oversight on our part, we found that ALL Iowa State fans were heading for the gates. We lit up two victory cigars and headed to West Town Pub to meet up with the rest of the Hawkize crew, save Colestal.

After having a few beers on Andyram and E (and discovering that I am the worst SilverStrike 2007 player EVER) we headed to Mickeys. Mickeys was uneventful until Trashboy decided it would be a great idea to drop a beer off the deck of the bar “just to see it break.” It did, and a waitress informed us that if it happened again, we were going to be escorted away. Five minutes of schmoozing later, Trashboy had a phone number and a smile.

So, yeah, we went to a game and went to the bars- big deal, typical night, wowwweee.

Not quite, Hawkize fans. Walking to a second after-party at 4:30 AM, the party really started. Carrying a 12-pack, a police officer from Gaymes approached Trashboy.

Police:“What do you have in that case there, son?”
Trashboy:”Pepsi, you want some?”
Clever answer- but it was Trashboy popping open a Michelob Golden Light instantly and chugging that really set the cop off. He approached Trashboy (presumably to arrest him) and he dropped the brew and started running.

Against my instincts, I let the beer sit (I’m sorry, Chris Kingsbury, forgive me) and took off in the other direction. I got lost and slept in a Cy-Ride terminal until my phone rang 2 hours later.

Trashboy:”Come get me.”
Mikehawk:”Why are you calling from unavailable?”
Trashboy:”I’m in jail.”

Oh.My.God.

Trashboy, not quite a stud athlete anymore and no longer quite fleet at foot as myself (maybe because of the whole alcoholic thing), had been caught a block away after taking a nice trip down a curb. On the car ride over, he was asked where he goes to school. Trashboy replied: “Where the HELL do you think I go to school?! Hey, I have a dip in, is it cool if I spit on the floor?”

Two tickets to the game: $20
Public Intoxication: $180
Alcohol and Gas: $150
Last Night: PRICELESS.

ON IOWA. GO HAWKS!!