1. Iowa 1-0 (0-0)
This is the obvious pick. The Hawks come out, control the ground against a decent team from the MAC and seals up the victory. People might be put aside by the 16-3 margin of victory. Horse shit. Iowa never blows out teams not named Purdue. Saturday’s game was never in doubt for the Hawks. Get a chance to check out the NIU message boards if you get the time. They accuse Captain Kirk of running up the score. This week, Iowa will roll over the Orange 20+ points. Syracuse doesn’t stand a chance with a drunk Mikehawk, Guy Montenegro, and Trashboy in attendance.

2. Ohio State 1-0 (0-0)
Todd Boeckman throws for 225 and 2 TD in a 38-6 coaster over Youngstown State. Ohio State will have a good year. Didn’t show much a run game with Pittman gone, but the defense continues to be impressive.

3. Penn State 1-0 (0-0)
Penn State is a pretty good team this year, so fans in State College will actually decide to show up. When the fans care, Happy Valley is a snake pit. They say that teams improve the most from week one to week two, but ND doesn’t stand a chance in Happy Valley. Jimmy Clausen’s last game in HS had 2,000 fans in attendance. This week he will have 90,000 Nittany Lion fans snaring at him. Not a good thought.

4. Wisconsin 1-0 (0-0)
God damn it I hate Bucky. But the Badgers are impressive this year, and yes, we do play them in Crap Randall in week 4… but we all know that the Hawks play decently well in Wisconsin under Kirk Ferentz. I am not convinced of their crushing of a piss poor Washington State team, honestly.

5. Michigan St. 1-0 (0-0)
Oooh Sparty. Nice start to Mark Dantonio’s coaching career in East Lansing. Eight weeks until reality sets in, and Sparty rolls into Kinnick and gets bent over by Herky in front of 73,000.

6. Northwestern 1-0 (0-0)
Pat Fitzgerald, at his young age, may be the worst coach in the Big Ten (EDIT: My apologies, Lloyd Carr). The Mildcats picked up a weak win against Northeastern (a real small Boston private school that is more known for Nobel Prizes and being located literally blocks away from Fenway Park). Since Big Papi wasn’t on the field for the the Huskies, the win is nothing worth talking about.

7. Purdue 1-0 (0-0)
Yawn. A win in blowout fashion over Toledo. Big fucking deal. Toledo has been plagued by a huge point shaving scandal in the off-season and is a program in shambles right now. This is the least impressive win by a Big 10 team this week.

8. Indiana 1-0 (0-0)
This program was making strides under Terry Hoeppner. The loss of Hoepp will say it all.

9. Illinois 0-1 (0-0)
ZOOKER!! What a comeback, only to get crushed in the end by Mizzou. The Juice wasn’t let loose quite yet as he had an eye injury. Another year of mediocrity for the Illini? You be the judge. (Hint: The answer is ‘yes’)

10. Minnesota 0-1 (0-0)
NICE GAME PLAN Tim Brewster. Way to drop one to one of your cupcake games on the schedule. Okay, BGU is a decent team in the MAC. In no circumstance should a team in the Big 10 lost to a MAC team. This loss is nothing short of embarassing.

11. Michigan 0-1 (0-0)
Do I need to say anything that hasn’t been touched on? The answer is YES. Lloyd Carr is the worst coach in the Big 10. I said it. The head coach of the University of Michigan football team is the worst coach in the conference. If you say that Michigan lost because Appalachian State was equally as talented as the Wolverines, you’re an idiot. No. Division 1AA football not catching up to the “big boys” of college football. Michigan players on their first day on campus in Ann Arbor were more talented than the players for ASU as juniors and seniors. Lloyd Carr was simply out-coached. Could things possibly get more embarrassing for Michigan fans? Yep. The eerie silence on their message board. End story.