AMES- Gene Chizik has only coached 2 games for the Iowa State Cyclones, but he has already had more economic impact than the floods of 1993 in Story County.

“It’s been a disaster,” said Rich Wilkins, a private Story County investor. “This has really sent shockwaves through the area.”

The “this,” that Wilkins alludes to is the commemorative $15 coin that the Iowa State athletic department released following the hiring and subsequent hyping up of Chizik.

“Ever since this thing was passed into circulation, inflation has hit the roof,” Wilkins continued. He said that the $15 coin won’t even buy a 20-ounce soda in the Ames area now.

“I can’t believe how quickly his stock has plummeted,” Wilkins lamented. “He was supposed to be the future, and we just lost to UNI. The exchange rate for losses wins is somewhere around 10 to 1 right now and it’s not looking good.”

Chizik was enshrined on the golden coin by Athletic Director Jamie Pollard. The coin is just another in a line of catastrophes orchestrated by the highly-criticized head-man. Others include raising single-game Iowa-Iowa State tickets to $90 each and firing Dan McCarney, the man who brought ISU to half –respectability, only to replace him with Chizik.

“I really don’t give a fuck,” Pollard said. “Fuck ISU. This is just a stepping stone, you idiots. You really think I’d be making all these stupid fucking decisions if I gave a fuck about this piece of shit, second-rate farmers’ university?”

The coin, once valued at $15, is now nearly completely worthless. Students have been trying to use it in pop machines, only to find that Coke has adjusted vending machines to give it the value of 1/10 of 1/10 of a cent.

Chizik could not be reached for comment, but his spiritual adviser was able to communicate with Hawkize via a smoke signal raised from the carcass of a dead raccoon.

“Gene very angry,” the smoke signal translated. “He big on defense. He build dynasty. He release YouTube video soon.”