With the looming loss to the Hawkize in their near future, the Badger team is very unsettled. Hawkize has learned that Bucky Badger is considering calling it quits as head mascot for the Wisconsin team and will be returning to his previous career and potential career of more than three quarters of UW graduates.

My first received wall post on Saturday was not even from a Cyclone, it was from a fuckin gopher. Are you serious?

Even though it is a disgusting loss for Captain Kirk, at least it is against a team from a BCS conference is 1A

There is always a bright side to any disparaging weekend..

This, along with the general nastiness of that dirty state to the North, once again clearly show how simple minded the Gopher fans are…

Why do you play the game?

“We are… Iowa State” ad.

Just thought I would share this one with you guys before I head back to that cesspool that is Ames for my valiant return.

ON IOWA.

What would it be like if Kirk Ferentz and Gene Chizik met up in an online chat room? Hawkize explores.

GoodCapt02: hey sup
ChizikDestny07: nm u
GoodCapt02: nm just getting rdy to beat ur ass lol
ChizikDestny07: lol ya rite
GoodCapt02: jk but srsly we r gonna pound u
ChizikDestny07: whatev we get pumped 4 this shit
GoodCapt02: whatev I don’t cur we r gonna whoop you
ChizikDestny07: ok whatevr
GoodCapt02: so wuts new w/u? u win ur first 2 games?
ChizikDestny07: ha ha vry funne
GoodCapt02: sry serious question dude we don’t get mediacom connexions!
ChizikDestny07: na we lost both of them
GoodCapt02: haha that sux0rs
GoodCapt02: so can my friend come in?
ChizikDestny07: ya I don’t care
**Domo CBI Doug has entered chat**
Domo CBI Doug: yo sup
ChizikDestny07: haha u cant be in here ur suspended
Domo CBI Doug: whatev man ima b str8 aint u read my facebook
ChizikDestny07: no I was busy
Domo CBI Doug: aint nuthin changed but da name on da mail
ChizikDestny07: whatevr
ChizikDestny07: 17/f/fla hrny, so wut r u wearing
Domo CBI Doug: WTF
GoodCapt02: WTF
ChizikDestny07: lol sry wrong window jk jk
GoodCapt02: u been hangin with rbrown1234 too much
ChizikDestny07: no
Domo CBI Doug: k I gtg ttyl cbi4lifez
GoodCapt02: see u soon hopefully?
Domo CBI Doug: ima b str8
GoodCapt02: I don’t kno what that means lol
Domo CBI Doug: whatev preppy
**Domo CBI Doug has left chat**
GoodCapt02: k so I gtg but klink is gunna fuk brett up on saturday lol
ChizikDestny07: ya rite
GoodCapt02: ya, rite, how bout whoever wins gets there face on a coin o wait u already did that haha loserfag lol lolz
ChizikDestny07: ur mean
GoodCapt02: ur gay lol
ChizikDestny07: u treat me like ur little brother
GoodCapt02: lol ya well duhhhhhh
ChizikDestny07: what evr im goin 2 jamies house to play super nintendo bye
GoodCapt02: c u satruday clown lol
** ChizikDestny07 has left chat**
** GoodCapt02 has left chat**

1. Iowa 2-0 (0-0)
The Hawks, with what could be the best defense in the Big 10, give up NOTHING in a trouncing of Syracuse, continuing their march to a Big Ten title.

2. Penn State 2-0 (0-0)
Penn State looked good in State College, dealing with a bad Notre Dame team.

3. Wisconsin 2-0 (0-0)
Struggled a bit with UNLV on Saturday. Don’t look too much into it. Bucky’s tough.

4. Ohio State 2-0 (0-0)
Todd Boeckman gave more questions to the Buckeye faithful than answers last week.

5. Purdue 2-0 (0-0)
I refuse to drink the Boilermaker and Curtis Painter kool-aid. Eastern Illinois? Are you fucking serious?

6. Michigan St. 2-0 (0-0)
The Spartans play well enough to get by. But just beckons the question: How long until the breakdown?

7. Indiana 2-0 (0-0)
Indiana rolls over future Iowa opponent Western Michigan. The key to their season will be the health of the best receiver in the Big Ten (besides Trey Stross, obviously), James Hardy.

8. Illinois 1-1 (0-0)
Zooker rebounds against… Western Illinois? Whaaaat?

9. Northwestern 2-0 (0-0)
Struggled with a bad Nevada team. Any team that runs the pistol offense is bad, in my book.

10. Minnesota 1-1 (0-0)
Whew! What a 3 OT(!) test against Miami… of OHIO. Fuck, I can’t wait for November 10th.

11. Michigan 0-2 (0-0)
Just when you think things can’t get any worse for Ann Arbor, a flock of Ducks take a shit (and improve the aesthetic appeal of The Big House) on Michigan Stadium. This team is in total disarray. Hart argued with linemen after they missed blocks and refused to come out when he was clearly hurt. But hold the phone. Mike Hart guarantees a victory over the Irish next Saturday. Bite your tongue, Mike. Oh, did I mention that Chad Henne will not dress for Saturday’s game?

Iowa, ISU at odds over deal

Fuck you, Jamie Pollard. Here’s to hoping that Gary Barta will tell that low balling fuck face the same thing. I don’t think I would mind wiping them off our schedule so we could play a better team. Like UW-Green Bay.

Although, it is fun to spank them from time to time.

I’m just curious, Hawkize… who’s your favorite Cyclones?

I’ll start:

Twoy Davith and Dawwen Davith

MADISON- Department stores around the Madison area elevated the threat level to orange on September 5 when Wisconsin running back Lance Smith was accused of beating his girlfriend and stealing her money and shoes.
“This is a serious offense,” Barry Alvarez, former UW-Madison Head Coach and current Athletic Director said. “We are disappointed in Lance. He should have gotten the hoe’s necklace while he was at it.”
Extra security guards have been hired to patrol the high-heels and Louis Vuitton sections of all major department stores in the Madison area.
“We don’t want to take any chances,” Bob Schmegler, head of security at East Towne Mall in Madison said. “Whenever you’ve got a cross-dressing perv out stealing high heels, you’ve got to tighten the reigns a little bit, you know?”
Smith was suspended for all away games for the 2007 season for the Badgers after the incident.
Police advise patrons of the mall to call police if they see this man carrying any expensive handbags or shoes belonging to women.

“This just makes us even more nervous,” Schmegler said. “Now he’s going to be here during the weekends when he should be gone. I’m really nervous for our mall employees.”
Brett Bielema could not be reached for comment.
A Stanford University study recently released claimed that 96 percent of men who steal womens’ shoes end up being homosexual.

AMES- Gene Chizik has only coached 2 games for the Iowa State Cyclones, but he has already had more economic impact than the floods of 1993 in Story County.

“It’s been a disaster,” said Rich Wilkins, a private Story County investor. “This has really sent shockwaves through the area.”

The “this,” that Wilkins alludes to is the commemorative $15 coin that the Iowa State athletic department released following the hiring and subsequent hyping up of Chizik.

“Ever since this thing was passed into circulation, inflation has hit the roof,” Wilkins continued. He said that the $15 coin won’t even buy a 20-ounce soda in the Ames area now.

“I can’t believe how quickly his stock has plummeted,” Wilkins lamented. “He was supposed to be the future, and we just lost to UNI. The exchange rate for losses wins is somewhere around 10 to 1 right now and it’s not looking good.”

Chizik was enshrined on the golden coin by Athletic Director Jamie Pollard. The coin is just another in a line of catastrophes orchestrated by the highly-criticized head-man. Others include raising single-game Iowa-Iowa State tickets to $90 each and firing Dan McCarney, the man who brought ISU to half –respectability, only to replace him with Chizik.

“I really don’t give a fuck,” Pollard said. “Fuck ISU. This is just a stepping stone, you idiots. You really think I’d be making all these stupid fucking decisions if I gave a fuck about this piece of shit, second-rate farmers’ university?”

The coin, once valued at $15, is now nearly completely worthless. Students have been trying to use it in pop machines, only to find that Coke has adjusted vending machines to give it the value of 1/10 of 1/10 of a cent.

Chizik could not be reached for comment, but his spiritual adviser was able to communicate with Hawkize via a smoke signal raised from the carcass of a dead raccoon.

“Gene very angry,” the smoke signal translated. “He big on defense. He build dynasty. He release YouTube video soon.”

It’s September 11th. At Hawkize.com, we post a lot of inappropriate, abrasive content. But today, it’s just this and only this. Today, I hope everyone remembers why they’re even able to view this website. I hope they remember why they are able to wake up free of persecution for whatever reason. I hope that they are able to realize just how luck they are.

Because they are Americans. And they live in the best country in the world.

It’s amazing to sit back and realize that it’s been 6 years since this tragedy occurred. It’s a Tuesday again. Tuesday, September 11th.

Never forget. Never.

Half-drunk this morning, I began to browse my friends’ facebook profiles to find some unfortunate comrades from Iowa State to berate about their 24-13 loss to Division 1AA Northern Iowa on Saturday night.

I came across a friend, Mark, who had this under his posted items:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=LVcQeH1ngyc

A new era! Purchase your season tickets now! The Chizik era is beginning!!

Okay, I’m laughing. I can’t lie. I’m laughing already. Out loud, in the library, and people are staring.
Then, I scrolled down to the comments.

Now, I’m crying. Almost in tears. If you can’t read this farmer’s comment, it goes something like this:
“Chizik is gonna own the chokeyes and the big 12 in the very near future. Get ready for a dynasty Cyclone Nation!!! “
The near future? I hope you bastards can do 88, because teaming up with Doc and Marty McFly is the only way you’ll ever get to see ISU have a shot at a national title.

But, let’s look at the positives:

Iowa State has an okay quarterback. (Too bad Cheezdik has him on the bench and have that fag Bret Meyer starting.)

Iowa State has new, improved uniforms. (Too bad “improved,” is a relative term- dog shit looks “improved” once it dries out a little bit)

ISU has a great college football atmosp… Sorry, I can’t stop convulsing while laughing enough to finish that sentence.

Iowa State has a team chaplain to guide them spiritually (This will cut down on the number of suicides on the team after Iowa embarasses them in front of their families on Saturday.)

Billboards are going cheap in central Iowa right now. In fact, Hawkize is considering putting one up outside of Ames- purple and gold on one side, blue and gold on the other.

The Cyclones got votes in the coaches poll this weekend. Unfortunately, it was the 2A Radio Iowa Poll in Iowa High Schools. And they only got four.

Iowa State has ugly uniforms. Hawkize.com concurs.

This is the kind of publicity you were looking for, right Pollard? Fag.

On IOWA. Go HAWKS!

1. Iowa 1-0 (0-0)
This is the obvious pick. The Hawks come out, control the ground against a decent team from the MAC and seals up the victory. People might be put aside by the 16-3 margin of victory. Horse shit. Iowa never blows out teams not named Purdue. Saturday’s game was never in doubt for the Hawks. Get a chance to check out the NIU message boards if you get the time. They accuse Captain Kirk of running up the score. This week, Iowa will roll over the Orange 20+ points. Syracuse doesn’t stand a chance with a drunk Mikehawk, Guy Montenegro, and Trashboy in attendance.

2. Ohio State 1-0 (0-0)
Todd Boeckman throws for 225 and 2 TD in a 38-6 coaster over Youngstown State. Ohio State will have a good year. Didn’t show much a run game with Pittman gone, but the defense continues to be impressive.

3. Penn State 1-0 (0-0)
Penn State is a pretty good team this year, so fans in State College will actually decide to show up. When the fans care, Happy Valley is a snake pit. They say that teams improve the most from week one to week two, but ND doesn’t stand a chance in Happy Valley. Jimmy Clausen’s last game in HS had 2,000 fans in attendance. This week he will have 90,000 Nittany Lion fans snaring at him. Not a good thought.

4. Wisconsin 1-0 (0-0)
God damn it I hate Bucky. But the Badgers are impressive this year, and yes, we do play them in Crap Randall in week 4… but we all know that the Hawks play decently well in Wisconsin under Kirk Ferentz. I am not convinced of their crushing of a piss poor Washington State team, honestly.

5. Michigan St. 1-0 (0-0)
Oooh Sparty. Nice start to Mark Dantonio’s coaching career in East Lansing. Eight weeks until reality sets in, and Sparty rolls into Kinnick and gets bent over by Herky in front of 73,000.

6. Northwestern 1-0 (0-0)
Pat Fitzgerald, at his young age, may be the worst coach in the Big Ten (EDIT: My apologies, Lloyd Carr). The Mildcats picked up a weak win against Northeastern (a real small Boston private school that is more known for Nobel Prizes and being located literally blocks away from Fenway Park). Since Big Papi wasn’t on the field for the the Huskies, the win is nothing worth talking about.

7. Purdue 1-0 (0-0)
Yawn. A win in blowout fashion over Toledo. Big fucking deal. Toledo has been plagued by a huge point shaving scandal in the off-season and is a program in shambles right now. This is the least impressive win by a Big 10 team this week.

8. Indiana 1-0 (0-0)
This program was making strides under Terry Hoeppner. The loss of Hoepp will say it all.

9. Illinois 0-1 (0-0)
ZOOKER!! What a comeback, only to get crushed in the end by Mizzou. The Juice wasn’t let loose quite yet as he had an eye injury. Another year of mediocrity for the Illini? You be the judge. (Hint: The answer is ‘yes’)

10. Minnesota 0-1 (0-0)
NICE GAME PLAN Tim Brewster. Way to drop one to one of your cupcake games on the schedule. Okay, BGU is a decent team in the MAC. In no circumstance should a team in the Big 10 lost to a MAC team. This loss is nothing short of embarassing.

11. Michigan 0-1 (0-0)
Do I need to say anything that hasn’t been touched on? The answer is YES. Lloyd Carr is the worst coach in the Big 10. I said it. The head coach of the University of Michigan football team is the worst coach in the conference. If you say that Michigan lost because Appalachian State was equally as talented as the Wolverines, you’re an idiot. No. Division 1AA football not catching up to the “big boys” of college football. Michigan players on their first day on campus in Ann Arbor were more talented than the players for ASU as juniors and seniors. Lloyd Carr was simply out-coached. Could things possibly get more embarrassing for Michigan fans? Yep. The eerie silence on their message board. End story.

Each week (Usually on Tuesday, sometimes Wednesday depending on drink specials on Monday night), Hawkize will publish a “Week in Review,” in which one of the writers will weigh in on the weeks’ previous action:

..From the “Oh, so obvious” file:”
MICHIGAN- What can you say that hasn’t already been said? Appalachian State. REALLY, Michigan? REALLY? I keep thinking I’m going to wake up and this is going to be a dream- because nothing this good can be true, right?
Wrong.
It’s true- oh so true- and so beautiful. In fact, Michigan has released its out-of-conference schedule for next year already:
SEP 2: @ University of Phoenix Online (ESPN2)
SEP 9: APPALACHIAN STATE (ABC)
SEP 16: DeVry Technical Institute- Des Moines Campus (BTN)
SEP 23: LaJames of Mason City (BTN)

From the “Discuss the Coaching Genius that is Ron Zook” file…

ILLINOIS - You scored 21 straight points to put the game within spitting distance against Mizzou this weekend, but stepped on your collective dicks and lost by six points to a shitty Big 12 team. Way to represent, Zooker- perhaps you should stop bench pressing and texting in the shower and start reading “How to Coach Division 1 Football for Dummies.”

From the “Aw, skeet skeet skeet!” category…
Minnesota- Another dramatic comeback from a Big Ten team turned out to be a loss on Saturday.
Except it was a dramatic comeback at home.
Against Bowling Green.
Tim Brewster proclaimed himself the savior of this program. Noah himself couldn’t save this ship from sinking- sorry, goofs, it’s going to be quite some time before any maroon is in the upper division of the Big Ten. Maybe as long as it’s going to take Gene Chizik to realize that he could hire a team of chaplains to baptize the entire ISU football team and it still wouldn’t result in a good offensive scheme. Pathetic, Minnesota- and from a state that had the balls to choose Jesse Ventura, I expect better.

From the “No one gives a shit” category…
Ohio State, Northwestern, Purdue, Indiana, Michigan State, Penn State and Wisconsin all won. Big fucking deal.

ON IOWA. GO HAWKS!