In what was a surprise to none, two Iowa State University students were the first two men to be legally married in the state of Iowa last week.

Cue music: “Oh what a night,” Frankie Valli

Few times in our lives, we have the opportunity to make history.

For Trashboy and Mikehawk, destiny was Thursday night in a high school football stadium somewhere on the campus of Iowa State University.

Around 4:45 PM, I sat at my computer looking at my regular bookmarks on Mozilla- www.myfriendshotmom.com, www.tommys-bookmarks.com, and www.hawkeyesports.com, (masturbating while tabbing through all three.) I was about to climax when an idea hit me- man, I would love to see a MAC team destroy a Class 4A-quality team at home. I called up Trashboy, but he didn’t answer- so I lit up the Hawkize signal (a silhouette of Andyram keeled over a toilet) and received a call back nearly instantly.

Five minutes later, Trashboy and I were on the way to Ames, motoring down I-80 in his purple Grand Prix drinking Natty Light. Why Natty Light, you ask? Well, Duh.

One hour and 45 minutes later, we pulled into Cyclone Liquors, parked the car, and grabbed two shots of Jager each for the walk to the stadium. After taking them with some decent Iowa State fans- yes, I understand the phrase “decent ISU fans” is akin to “non-contagious AIDS victims,” but I digress.

Entering the stadium, the boos started hailing us- who, of course, were decked from head to toe in Hawkeye gear, including my shirt that shows Herky getting felatio from Cy.

I was spit on. Trashboy was jeered at and called a faggot. I was told I had five minute to leave or I’d get my ass killed. The fans even forgot, imgaine that, that a football game was being played in front of them, and started a “Fuck the Hawks” chant instead of maybe, oh, I don’t know- a “Let’s go you fucking idiots” to their players.

But we stood tall. We stood tall in black and gold, and, in a flash (HAHA, GET IT?) the game was winding down with a 23-14 Kent State lead early in the 4th. Trashboy and I decided to try and get a head-start on the psycho fans and left the game- but, as we later thought was an obvious oversight on our part, we found that ALL Iowa State fans were heading for the gates. We lit up two victory cigars and headed to West Town Pub to meet up with the rest of the Hawkize crew, save Colestal.

After having a few beers on Andyram and E (and discovering that I am the worst SilverStrike 2007 player EVER) we headed to Mickeys. Mickeys was uneventful until Trashboy decided it would be a great idea to drop a beer off the deck of the bar “just to see it break.” It did, and a waitress informed us that if it happened again, we were going to be escorted away. Five minutes of schmoozing later, Trashboy had a phone number and a smile.

So, yeah, we went to a game and went to the bars- big deal, typical night, wowwweee.

Not quite, Hawkize fans. Walking to a second after-party at 4:30 AM, the party really started. Carrying a 12-pack, a police officer from Gaymes approached Trashboy.

Police:“What do you have in that case there, son?”
Trashboy:”Pepsi, you want some?”
Clever answer- but it was Trashboy popping open a Michelob Golden Light instantly and chugging that really set the cop off. He approached Trashboy (presumably to arrest him) and he dropped the brew and started running.

Against my instincts, I let the beer sit (I’m sorry, Chris Kingsbury, forgive me) and took off in the other direction. I got lost and slept in a Cy-Ride terminal until my phone rang 2 hours later.

Trashboy:”Come get me.”
Mikehawk:”Why are you calling from unavailable?”
Trashboy:”I’m in jail.”

Oh.My.God.

Trashboy, not quite a stud athlete anymore and no longer quite fleet at foot as myself (maybe because of the whole alcoholic thing), had been caught a block away after taking a nice trip down a curb. On the car ride over, he was asked where he goes to school. Trashboy replied: “Where the HELL do you think I go to school?! Hey, I have a dip in, is it cool if I spit on the floor?”

Two tickets to the game: $20
Public Intoxication: $180
Alcohol and Gas: $150
Last Night: PRICELESS.

ON IOWA. GO HAWKS!!

Hawkize.com has just learned that Jamie Pollard has just wrapped up a deal with the 2006 Champions of the Des Moines Pop Warner league, the Urbandale Broncos, to play 3 games at Jack Trice Stadium starting in 2009 in an effort to bolster their already weak non-conference schedule.

“This is a great deal for both of us.” said Mike Gainer, director of the Des Moines league. “I’d like to thank Jamie up at Iowa State for giving our boys this opportunity to play on a pretty big stage.”

“I’m really excited.” said Dillon Thompson, starting halfback for the Broncos.

The deal is an effort to finally sell out a football game for the first time since God knows when.

Pollard, at the time of this article’s publishing, has yet to return Hawkize.com’s phone calls.

Purdue fans are still talking about their 2004 season, the season where they were ranked #5 in the country through five games with Heisman hopeful Kyle Orton leading the way. Of course, Purdue finished outside of the Top #25 in 2004 after a downward spiral that landed them in the Sun Bowl, which they lost to Arizona State. Some Purdue fans feel their season could have been different if not for a single fumble and an injury to Kyle Orton. Well, Boilers, I’m afraid reality doesn’t agree with you. Purdue started their 2004 season with a bang, racking up a ton of yards and points through the first four games. In wins against Syracuse, Ball State, Illinois, and Notre Dame, Purdue averaged over 47 points a game. Kyle Orton averaged 342 yards per game through the air with 17 TD and 0 INT. The Heisman buzz was growing. Purdue, which started the season ranked #24, quickly ascended to the #9 ranking going into a match up with Penn State.

Here’s the problem with Purdue’s first four opponents. They were bad. Syracuse ranked 90th in pass defense, Ball State 106th, Illinois 79th, and Notre Dame 116th. Should it really come as a surprise that Kyle Orton and Purdue’s spread offense were able to amass such amazing statistics over the first four weeks? Maybe to someone who’s an idiot, a fan of Purdue, or both.

Penn State was a poor football team in 2004 (4-7 overall), but they finished the season with the 6th ranked pass defense in the country. Kyle Orton had a good, but not great, game against Penn State, throwing for 275 yards and a touchdown. He also added his first two interceptions of the year, but Purdue remained undefeated after a narrow 20-13 victory. They ascended to the #5 ranking going into a match up with Wisconsin. This game, however, indicated that Purdue may be a bit overrated.

Wisconsin finished the 2004 season with a 9-3 record and the 7th ranked pass defense in the country. This was a difficult test for the Boilers. Kyle Orton had an average game, throwing for 235 yards, a touchdown, and an interception. However, late in the game with the lead, Kyle Orton fumbled the ball (see photo above). Wisconsin returned it for a touchdown, and Purdue had their first loss of the season. Sorry Purdue fans, everyone knew you were overrated.

The wheels started to come off for Purdue. The next week, against a brutal Northwestern pass defense (98th), Kyle Orton completed less than 50% of his passes and threw an interception in a loss. Orton was injured in third quarter, but he hadn’t accomplished much before the injury. Purdue had been fully exposed as a fraud.

The following week, Purdue lost to Iowa. Purdue fans argue that they would have beaten Iowa with Orton. Prove it. Kirsch did a good job of keeping Purdue in the game after they fell behind early, but he made a few mistakes down the stretch that put the game out of reach. Orton did the same thing against Wisconsin.

At this point, Purdue was 5-4 with all five wins coming against teams who finished 2004 at .500 or worse. They finished the year with a solid win over a mediocre Ohio State team and a blowout win over another sub-.500 team. Purdue hadn’t beaten anyone good, and all they could do was make excuses.

This is a classic case of a fan base having their hopes inflated during preseason games against bad teams. Purdue was not a good football team in 2004. Kyle Orton was not a good quarterback. Live with it. Purdue will always be competitive, but not significant. Joe Tiller will always do just enough to keep his job. Prove me wrong.

To discuss how much Purdue sucks with Purdue fans, follow the link.

Proof that the points system works like charm:

MARQUES ‘GRAND MARQUES’ SLOCUM

Assorted tidbits Hawkize picked up in the Big Ten camps from last week…

CHAMPAIGNE— The list of mess-ups keeps getting longer for Ron Zook.
The fiery Illinois football coach made the blunder of all blunders on Saturday, starting quarterback Juice Williams at left tackle. The move left media representatives, along with Illini fans, scratching their collective heads from the stands.
“As far as I can remember, Juice is one of the best Left Tackles in the Big Ten. He was a five star recruit out of high school,” Zook said of the obvious error. “I have a text message from the shower to prove it.”

BLOOMINGTON— Interim Head Coach Bill Lynch has announced the re-naming of the team’s stadium. Late coach Terry Hoeppner had nick-named the stadium “The Rock.” After Lynch realized it doesn’t look anything like a rock, he nicknamed it ”The Stadium.”

MINNEAPOLIS—Gopher’s head coach Tim Brewster has announced a new partnership with a small internet startup.
“This is a landmark deal for us,” Brewster said. “It really defines what our football program is about, you know, really emulates our players.”
The deal, which is scheduled to take hold in September at the Gophers’ first home game, is a combination of advertising clips in the game program and a few spots on the big screen.
Details on the sponsor can be found here.

Holy shit! Iowa State just found out they have fans!

Jamie Pollard has been creaming in his pants over the past few weeks, as ISU season tickets have eclipsed the coveted “35,000″ (!!) mark. This can evidently be seen by logging into the (epilepsy warning) Iowa State Athletics site. The site is littered with graphics showing the cracker box that is Jack Trice Stadium with “35,000″ in text. They even took the time to write an article about how they achieved this momentous milestone. Jamie Pollard can also be seen on the right side of the page next to a meter that leads up to 35,000 like he is running for fucking President of the United States of America.

Hey Jamie, good move on setting your expectations so low. This is like the equivalent of me taking Principles of Environmental Science, Rhetoric I, Issues: European Politics, and Table Tennis and setting my GPA goal to 2.0. How pathetic is Iowa State?

No worries, though. No doubt that Pollard will take the revenue generated by this “huge” amount of season tickets sold to purchase another billboard on 380. Man, that worked out well last time!

They really should just drop all their athletic programs, except men’s gymnastics. Something really tells me they excel in that.

I’m not a homosexual (NTTATWWT), but I do enjoy observing college football uniforms. I prefer the classic style of uniform; uniforms like those worn by Michigan, Iowa, Ohio State, Oklahoma, and Texas. Oregon gets a new uniform every year, and they always suck. Seriously, what’s wrong with just picking something and sticking with it? That is called tradition, and it is what defines college football.

Iowa State has been notorious for having horrible uniforms since Jesus was born. The color scheme, which attempted to incorporate all three primary colors, was a disaster. Their helmet logo consisted of a bird, a tornado, and “ISU” crammed into the space the size of Dan McCarney’s fist. If you’re not sure how big Dan McCarney’s fist is, just ask his wife. She probably got a good luck at it when he was (allegedly) beating her.

Jamie Pollard, ISU’s athletic director, decided to upgrade ISU’s uniforms to put his own mark on the program. Surprisingly, ISU’s new uniforms are a huge improvement. The color scheme has been updated, moving away from ketchup and mustard and towards the true school colors of Cardinal and Gold. Navy blue has finally been removed, destroying the primary color trifecta. Good move. The design is simplistic; very similar to the uniforms worn by the Redskins of the National Football League. The white helmet looks sharp and contrasts well with the rest of the uniform. Definitely a huge improvement over what they were previously wearing.

While the uniform has improved, the logo has not. Instead of hiring someone to design a logo, or having one of the schools many graphic design majors design a logo, Jamie Pollard made three logos with WordArt in Microsoft Word. One says “Cyclones”, one says “ISU”, and one says “State” with a big “I” in the background. All three logo choices instantly turn the entire uniform into a joke and take any and all credibility away from the design Why couldn’t they just make a cool picture of a tornado wrecking some shit and put it on there?

I’ll tell you why: because they are Iowa State. And, like a friend of mine says, you can’t polish a turd. At least ISU will be looking a little sexier on their way to 4 wins. Almost as sexy as me. Call me ladies.

IOWA CITY- Scheels, Iowa’s largest sports superstore, announced today that both Anthony Bowman and Dominique Douglas jerseys will go on double clearance this morning.
“Well, with the events that have transpired, they aren’t exactly “popular” for our fall lineup,” Store Manager Jim Elbert said Friday morning. “We tend to sell players that are going to, you know, play.”
He would not immediately say what the prices were. Prices will vary from the Iowa City to Des Moines locations.
Customers are asked to pay in stacks of $20 bills. No Credit Cards accepted.

IOWA CITY- Federal agents stormed the alley behind Brothers’ Bar and Grill in downtown Iowa City on Thursday morning to detain Andyram, 21, charging him with being involved with Michael Vick’s dogfighting ring.
The fallen Hawkize superstar is the latest in a group of 8 celebrities to be indicted on the dogfighting charges.
“I’m not drunk,” Andyram muttered as he was put into a squad car. “ATTICA, ATTICA!”
“You know, it just makes me sick, this whole thing,” Iowa City Police Officer Bob Johnson said. “I mean, this guy, he’s a real pervert. We found him passed out by a dumpster holding a GLORY HOLES magazine and a pint glass from The Summit Bar and Grill.”
Andyram was placed in Johnson County Jail and no bond was set.
Unlike his cohorts in the alleged dogfighting ring, though, Andyram’s lawyer says the 21 year-old college dropout will not seek a plea.
“We believe that, with my client’s track record as a human being and as a great citizen to this country, state, and this fine city, he will be cleared on all charges.”
A court date has not been set.

The Iowa City Press-Citizen has reviewed the Facebook sites of 40 University of Iowa football players and discovered - gasp! - photos of players consuming alcohol. From the Press-Citizen article:

Two photos show players drinking shots of alcohol. Another photo shows a player “shotgunning” a beer. In another, a player and a group of friends are posing in front of someone vomiting. One shows a player posing next to a table of liquor bottles. Two photos show players holding someone up during a keg stand. Another photo shows a player sitting beside four pitchers of beer.

Are you serious? A player was actually photographed sitting next to four whole pitchers of beer? He’s lucky to still be alive. What’s this “shotgunning” business? Some type of bioterrorism? Jesus, we better contact the FBI and get them on top of this. The University of Iowa should forfeit all games and the players should have mandatory counseling with Kyle Orton to discuss what alcohol can do for your football career.

Also, I’d like to applaud the Press-Citizen for their hard-hitting journalism. Brian Morelli, I can smell a Pulitzer in your future. Keep up the good work!

On Wisconsin Badgers fans….

This is where stereotypes are really, really true. I mean you spend a weekend on that campus, whether it’s for football, basketball, hockey, whatever, you will not believe the moronic level that the student body sinks to with just outrageousus drunkenness and just crazy, crazy behavior. But I’m not a prude, and I’m all about people having their fun. But when you are this drunk, obnoxious 19-year-old punk who feels the need to get in the face of like a 55-year old woman because she happens to be Gopher fan, and you gotta get in her face and start dropping profanities because you are that drunk and that stupid and because on that campus it is THE thing to do. I mean badger fans deserve every stigma that has been attached to them, every stereotype that exists about them because they are the drunkest, most obnoxious, most low-class, pieces of garbage that I have ever encountered at sporting events. And I am NOT, I repeat NOT, overstating this.

–Jeff Dubay, KFAN Radio

ON IOWA. GO HAWKS!

This morning, the city council of Chicago determined that they will rename the city to “Iowa City” on September 1st on occasion of the Iowa-Northern Illinois football game at Soldier Field.

“It just makes sense.” says Chicago mayor Richard Daley. “Financially, and convenience-wise. The process is rather simple. We will just be swapping the road signs in both Iowa and Illinos on I-80W and I-80E to match the proper amount of mileage to go to the respective city.”

It was considered to name the town DeKalb for the fateful day. But Daley said, “Yeah, we just realized we had been hot boxing in the meeting hall for several hours and that this was a bad idea. Does anyone even know where DeKalb is? What the fuck kind of name is DeKalb?!”, he exclaimed.

Tickets have been sold out for the contest for several months, and reportedly the crowd will be mostly Hawkeye supporters. Hardly surprising when you take into consideration the size of fan bases and quality of play displayed by both teams.

Kickoff for the contest is at 2:20 PM, September 1st.

Horrible news, fellow Hawkize. Our all-Big 10 freshman team wideout has been suspended indefinitely due to pending charges of credit card theft. The charges on Bowman have been released and reportedly state that the theft was under $10,000. Nothing has been put out for Douglas (yet).

One can not think that this is horrifying news. But lets look at it as a gateway of opportunity for our boys Trey Stross, Andy Brodell, and DJK to step up and make an impact… which I think they are totally capable of.

Wow. Iowa may be the whitest football team ever this season.

Upon learning of this, I immediately took a peek at Domo’s Facebook page. This is what his status was:

Domo Cbi Doug
is FOCUSED ON WHAT HE NEED 2 B FOCUSED ON…NOT ALL DAT BULLSHIT THESE PREPPIES TALKN…….

I think it’s obvious that Domo didn’t do anything wrong!

8/21/07 1:58 AM UPDATE: Apparently 3 other players were involved with this charade. That’s just wonderful.

Think of all the great Hawkeyes who we have been blessed to watch as Iowa fans… Bob Sanders, Chuck Long, Dallas Clark, Robert Gallery, Matt Roth, Abdul Hodge, Chad Greenway, Fred Russell, Dean Oliver, Jeff Horner, Greg Brunner, the list goes on and on…

Who tops the list out of all these greats?

Chris “Motherfucking” Kingsbury.

This man defines the epitome of a Hawkeye. How many mental states did this guy play basketball in?! I can name a few. Wasted, hungover, and stoned out of his God damn mind. Three defining traits of an Iowa Hawkeye. And what did he do? He made it rain 3-balls all day on the Big 10. Who needs an inside game when you have a guard who can drop it in from 40 feet and have it not even consider it a prayer?

After a route against Purdue in West Lafayette in ‘95, Chris Kingsbury decided to break team policy (obviously) and get hammered in a bar in downtown Lafayette. He returned to the Sheraton where the team was staying while several reporters followed him through the door. Kingsbury immediately went to the corner of the lobby to a fake plant and unleashed a piss for the ages, when asked for comment on his 712 point 0 assist performance that night, Kingsbury just said “God damn it, let me finish pissing!” What a great American!

Did I mention that he single handedly won a battle for the American forces in Iraq by making a diving tip of a smart bomb pass from al-Qaida officer Abu Zubaydah? The bomb was sent off course into an al-Qaida underground bunker, incinerating all the inhabitants. The soldiers celebrated the decisive victory by watching a startling fireworks display just outside the barracks, which is obviously a Chris Kingsbury 35 foot jumper shootaround session.

Chris Kingsbury’s career at Iowa came to an end in 1996 when he made the only logical choice of declaring for the NBA draft. After being picked up by the Washington Bullets, the NBA decided that it was unfair to the rest of the league and would destroy the balance of power in the league, deciding not to allow the Bullets to place Kingsbury on the regular season roster.

As Hawkeye fans, I think it is your responsibility to know every single aspect of this man, how many points he scored in each game, what size of shoe he wears, and how many women he impregnated on every Big 10 school’s campus.

Minneapolis, MN: 0 (Even Chris Kingsbury avoids STDs)
Madison, WI: 18 (Serious hate fucking)
Evanston, IL: 7 (Fucking prudes)
Champaign, IL: 23
West Lafayette, IN: 9 (Debatable if these were actually females… do girls even go to Purdue?)
Bloomington, IN: 54 (Bob Knight set him up with some sorority whores in agreement to keep his score under 200 against Indiana)
East Lansing, MI: 10 (Once fucked Sparty)
Ann Arbor, MI: 1 (He fucked Ann Arbor, the woman, exclusively)
Columbus, OH: 25
State College, PN: 14
Iowa City, IA: ∞

I know this because I am a true Chris Kingsbury fan. Are you?

I think this video will change your life, as it did mine by bringing back some of my favorite Kingsbury memories…

http://www.desmoinesregister.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20061110/MULTIMEDIA/61110035

Question of the day: How many Chris Kingsbury 3-balls would it take to cure shingles and herpes?