Welcome to Hawkize.com’s newest feature…

The Iowa State Cyclone Wall of Shame.

You know, we do a lot of Cyclone bashing around here- and, instead of it clogging up our front page, where you should be reading about how Iowa rocks out with the cock out instead of how ISU continually steps on their dicks, we decided to just sum it all up in one section, an exclusive to Hawkize.

There are three levels to the Wall of Shame:

New Inductees:
These are the newest goofballs to come out of Moo-U. To be inducted as a new member, simply do something retarded- we know you have it in you, Clones.

Honorary Lifetime Members:
These are the real goons of the Cyclone Nation. We’re talking Grade-A Fuckups here, guys. Felony, tax evasion, kiddy porn? Take a seat, Clown.

Legends:
The few, the proud- the best of the Cyclones. No explanation needed, really.

Let’s start off the obvious: The New Inductees!

These Cyclones were selected by a panel of three Hawkize.com members. If you don’t like it, hold control and F4.

JASON BERRYMAN

Ah, yes, Jason Berryman. The long-troubled Cyclone with a rap-sheet as long as the welfare line during the Great Depression. Berryman was booted from the Cyclone squad after a recent ticket for being in a bar under the age of 21, but his real Cyclone offense was beating up a fellow student after he left a bar last summer, taking the $4 and cell phone the student had. Kudos to you, Jason- you’re Hawkize.com’s newest inductee to the Wall of Shame.

BRICE BECK

Brice, Brice, Brice- who would have thought you wouldn’t even need to take a snap as a Clown before you made the wall? Well, you did it- and we commend you. You blew quite a bit over the legal limit last weekend and got an OWI- and yes, you can pronounce that OWEEE!!! Welcome to the wall, scumbag.

GREG COLEMAN

Greg, Greg, Greg- honestly, just when you think Dan McCarney’s headache can’t get worse, he finds out his terrible fullback has been arrested for simple assault at the same Ames night club that Jason Berryman was kicked off the team for being in. Coleman, though, was no innocent bystander, Hawkize assumes. He already has a criminal record stemming from assaulting a peace officer when he was 17 in Iowa City. You’re a new inductee now, Greg- but keep it up and you might make the next tier.

DAN MCCARNEY

In 11 seasons at ISU, Dan has continued the mediocrity that his predecessors set a precedent for. Eleven years and one win against teams with a winning conference record. I wasn’t going to put Dan on the list until I heard a replay of him saying that ISU was “One of 28 Bowl champions” in America. Wow. You know that thing from 40 Year Old Virgin where the guy acts like he’s shooting him self in the head and catching his brains on the other side of his skull? I was just doing that.

HONORARY LIFETIME MEMBERS

KENNY PRATT

How can we do anything but applaud you efforts, Kenny? You were a heck of an athlete at ISU, but your after-college basketball is what sets you apart from the rest. Not only were you a runner and gunner on the court, you carried a glock on your off days and etched yourself into Cyclown folklore when you sprinted up the back steps (with TV cameras rolling, mind you) at Dowling High School to try and sprint away from police.
You made it two blocks. May God have mercy on your soul, asshole.

TROY DAVIS’S GRILL

Twoy Davis was a berry good wunnin back for IShew, but he culdtn talk if u paid him to do it.

Want a fun game? It only takes two steps:

1. Try to get him to say “Sally Sells Seashells by the seashore.”

2. Laugh. Really, really hard.

LEGENDS

LARRY EUSTACHY

Do we need to say ANYTHING about this guy? He got more college ass than his team did.

SAM MACK:

Whenever I watch “White Men Can’t Jump,” I think of this silly Cyclone. Early in the hustling that is the movie, Woody and _____ challenge a tall, black man to a game of pickup for $500. In order to get the money, the man runs to his glove box, grabs a mask, and dons it at the local convenience store. As soon as he brandishes the firearm at the clerk, the clerk immediately knows the man. He tells the guy to take a hike.

Take this unbelievable story, but substitute that convenience store for the Ames Burger King and add in a dash of Sam Mack, and you’ve got a real life “Is anyone that fucking stupid?” show. Congratulations, Sam- you’re a legend.

RANDY BROWN:

Hey, Randy, who HASN’T downloaded kiddy porn? Oh wait, that’d be 99.9 percent of the United States—and 100 percent of us people they call “sane.”

THE ENTIRE 2000-2001 CYCLONE BASKETBALL TEAM

Thank you, God, for the Hampton Pirates.

CY

Why not? The CYCLONE mascot is a BIRD. Birds and cyclonic storms, as far as I know, are not the same damn thing. Dumbfucks.